Susan asked her friend John:
Did you know that the first programmer in history was a woman?
 John replied:
No wonder women were the most difficult creatures to understand.

Susan nodded and smiled.
​
John said:
I quite can't understand you.
You knew Peter (husband of Susan) was womanizing, and why do you expect he would change after marriage? He kept dating numerous women and had an affair with your best friend.   You loved him with no bottom line to forgive his betrayal instead. But when he turned to love you deeply and begged you to stay with him, you strictly rejected and left.

 Susan expected her husband would change for her, but  it did not happen. She had expected she could change for him, but it also did not happen either.

What she expected never happened.

Maybe the reality is never expected to change others. You can’t and will never succeed.  Therefore, you should be honest with yourself;
And allow your husband to be honest with himself.
​
 Always remember you always have the choice.
Unless you’re in prison, you don’t have to do anything. You choose to do things.  Like what we do for the laundry.
Do you like to do the laundry? No. 
Is anyone forcing you to do the laundry? No. 
Doing the laundry is a choice you make because you value being clean.  You do the laundry for your family members because you love them. When you see all the options you have, you can appreciate the choices you make.

You can already guess the point is to make appropriate trade-offs by optimizing your choice.  Honest to yourself.  Take responsibility for the choices you have made. 
And then, you realize that the reality is not as bad as you think
Or as good as you expect.
Accept what clashes, clashes.
What flows, flows.
Never border yourself to urge the other person to do the right thing.
It is ok to be not ok
As long as the (bad) feeling does not last forever
 
Lighten your expectations. Turn your expectations into appreciation.

More tips on resolve the problems  related to communication, money issue and   perspective conflicts.

​If I ask you and you are willing to tell me. That means trust.
If I don't ask you and you don't tell me anything. That means distance.
If I ask you and you decide not to tell me anything. That means we have a gap between us.
If I don't ask you and you still want to tell. That means reliance.

Ever wonder if the relationship is about communication?
You are always right.   At least, you think so. 

When you believe your husband is wrong, you push harder, throw out tantrums, you shout.  He responds with even more resistance, triggering his defensive mode and shutting you out. Our certainty of rightness is what makes heated arguments heated.
​
As a result, he may conclude it is not worth talking to you since he never knows when a topic will lead to a controversy. You win all the battles and lose the metaphorical war. 
Is there anything to gain from letting yourself become adversarial with your loved one due to the miscommunication?

​Toddlers have tantrums.  Adults should solve problems.
Ever wonder if your negative emotion is demonstrating your fear?
The fear of being unheard.
The fear that you’re not good enough.
The fear that this might be the last chance to make everything perfect. 
Your frustration becomes complaints; grudges become insulting words; helplessness becomes sarcastic.

Always remember that  critical words cut people deeply.    If you must say something negative, always be constructive. Make your criticism reflect your love and respect, not disappointment.   When we use common words such as stupid, they carry a range of meanings from ill-considered to ignorant. 

​The differences in expression of reframing words can be like this:

​You are a jerk.
or to say:  I can’t quite understand your behavior.
 
You don’t care about me 
or to say: You don’t care about the same thing as me.
 
You are an idiot 
or to say: You haven’t met my expectations.
 
You are relying on me 
or to say: You want me to pay more attention to you.
 
You have no way to make it 
or to say: You haven’t got an effective way yet.
 
You are hopeless.
or to say: You worked very hard and have just not reached success yet.
 
You do it wrong.
or to say: I realize you have room for improvement.
 
Do you want to quit?
or to say: You feel tired after holding on for so long.
 
Your outfit is ugly.
or to say: This outfit is not my style.

​Body language is more impactful than words. People receive 30% of what you say and 70% of how you say it. Your facial expression, gesture, and voice tone won’t tell lies. Sad faces generated sad faces, and smiling faces evoked smiles and happiness. 

​Bring the sunshine to your lover with your smiles. You are delivering a pleasant message to him that everything will be ok.

​Yes => Acknowledge his positive intent.
No => Make clear your bottom line without judging against anyone.
Yes => Make a win-win suggestion or promise.
 
Ever wonder if our communication is hampered by "No-No-No".
Let's see  an example as follows:

Susan was frustrated to find her husband was obsessed with playing video games inside the room whereas she was busy doing chores.

Susan: 
You’re doing nothing all day long as if this family is none of your business. I am busy with chores and children. How about you? Playing video games is your full-time job! (No)
That’s all. I can take no more. (No)
The worst decision that I ever made was marrying you. (No)
 
What if Susan change the communication approach from "No-No-No " to "Yes-No-Yes "

Yes => I know you want to relax after a whole week of hard work (Acknowledge his positive intent).
N0 => The busy chores and the kid stuff drive me crazy. I desperately need to rest for a while. (make clear her bottom line)
Yes => What do you think we sit down to figure out what is the best way to manage the chore together? (make suggestion)

Talking is easy, but we spend our lifetime learning how to listen. I am not trying to underestimate the ability of your husband to trigger your hot button. The thing is, never try to back-talk immediately. Pause before responding to verbal stimulus. We are well aware heated arguments won't make things better.

Money is always the main issue that can trigger negative emotions such as anger, anxiety, fear, agitation, disappointment, and self-blame.    Financial struggles can hurt a couple's relationship as people often associate their self-worth, happiness, and success with money.  

What is your family money story? 
What is your financial habit?  

Is your financial status more than enough to support your basic living expenses?  If you are not, you would have a hard time quarreling with your spouse on the money issue all the time, and will eventually spoil the relationship.   Always remember,   you are the only person to take full responsibility for your financial security and not rely on others, not even on your husband.
​
What if you encounter a sudden financial downturn, such as facing business failure, getting fired, or suffering a devastating investment loss?  ​

I remember when I was fired, jobless, with nothing to do at home, and extremely bored. It was not funny to feel stuck up, drifting nowhere. A mixture of devastating feelings never short of anxiety, stress, fear, depression, and self-doubt.
What did I fear?
I fear there would be no company to offer me a job anymore
I fear age discrimination
I fear my bank account might dry out
I worry being unemployed for too long would make it difficult to re-enter the job market.
 
My fear caused me to make a poor decision. I speculated on the stock market for quick money.   No doubt it was a bad idea.   Gambling out of fear and greed would never solve the money problem.   During that period, I lost plenty of money.   I was greedy and feared losing money.   My poverty mentality made me regret every decision to buy and sell the stock at the wrong price.    

 When I gained less, I felt upset (due to greediness)
When I suffered loss, I was angry (due to self-blame)
As a result, negative emotions ensue whatever outcome from the speculation on the stock market.
 
However, how unlikely I could always pick the perfect stock, buy at the bottom cost, sell at the ceiling price, and optimize the profit.

And then, I realized that what goes around will come around. Desperation would attract desperation to spiral down.  If you start up your own business due to the fear of being fired by someone else in a poor economic condition, you are doomed to failure.  Success derives from positive intent. Always remember money flows with joy.

Relax, keep calm  with the mantra: 
Everything that happened was just right because I was where I should be.  Transform the perspective from poverty mentality to abundance mentality.

​What is the difference between an abundance mentality and a poverty mentality?

Poverty thinking:

• Opportunities are limited.
• Things will never work out.
• Wealth is beyond my reach.
• What I own now can be taken from me at any moment.

​You know what? Inspiration attracts inspiration to spiral up.  And miracles start to happen.
I finally successfully got employed with a decent salary in a corporate.

I was underpaid at my previous job, and when I ran my own business, I struggled to make a profit due to low pricing. 
One day, my friend asked me what did I think about money?
What pops up in my mind is something like:

• Selfishness
• Greedy
• Difficult to get
• Dirty

 Is it true that money is a scary evil thing that I should escape?
Traditional schooling rarely taught me financial education.  What if changing my perspective towards money to enhance my earning power?
 
The starting point is to re-program our concept about money with the mantra like:
I earn a lot of money by creating value for others
I deserve to own a lot of money.
Money flows with joy.

Always remember saving is a good financial habit. You won’t panic if you keep a certain amount of money as a safety net to secure the cash flow in case of an emergency or unexpected job loss.   How much savings in the bank is enough?
Have you ever confused the desire for fullness with the feeling of enough? 
Saving money is good. Enough is okay. Money is energy. Let it flow and move.

Whenever I tried to de-clutter my house, I was surprised that I had bought so many useless things I didn't need. Is it because online shopping has never been easier than the one-click shopping universe?

Advertisers, marketers, and the media make us believe that buying expensive products is a way to uplift our status and taste. Social media can make us feel like we are not obtaining enough when we compare ourselves to the seemingly perfect lives of our peers. How to avoid overspending?

• Record the time, money, and the stuff that you spend shopping. 
• Restrict yourself to spend time on online shopping
• Replace the shopping habit with other activities such as doing exercise or reading a book

​No doubt we are pleasure seekers. We get hooked on the pleasure that comes from caffeine, tobacco, entertainment, or premium stuff. Pleasure is short-term, addictive, and selfish. It works on dopamine. When the debt is easier than ever to go into, why even consider sacrificing the pleasure for the long-haul benefits? Does the long haul will take care of itself? It doesn’t. We have to define our context to prioritize our spending that can work for the money growth. Do you spend the money on the stuff that can grow your assets or pay for the liability?
Buying a house is building your asset
Paying the monthly rental is a liability.
Investing in a training course to acquire a valuable skill is an asset-building activity.
Buying an expensive Hermes bag to feel secure is a liability.

​Please don’t get me wrong to regard sharing money as merely donations. Let it flow to create value that could benefit yourself and others.

​For a man, what is the hardest thing for him to say?
I'm sorry, I'm wrong.
 
The hardest thing is not admitting you are wrong but apologizing without reason.
 
Man, if you have learned to apologize for no reason, you are ready to get married. The woman expects her husband to apologize after a fight to show that he cares more about her than the issue itself.
 
Men and women are beautifully different but made for each other, just like the beauty where water and rocks come together. How can the Earth and Mars get along with each other?

Ever wonder if toughness is a praising word for women? 
The name of the game is: I don’t need you.

She wants to conquer men, conquer the business, and conquer everything because she plays to win.   When she took the lead in the business battle to win the deal, she was so good at maneuvering the tactics and strategy far better than what you can read in the war book. 
However, she was frustrated to realize she still needed a man.

In fact, she didn’t mean to upset anyone.
She stands for her point with confidence.  In return, she expects her partner to agree with her idea and the support she had from him.  She has no idea she carries the bossy role at home until her husband asks her three questions:

• What’s your very act of asking me to do something?
• What’s your response to me when you think something goes wrong?
• Who’s the one to mention divorce first during a fight?

​A woman can’t stop yapping about this and that. She is loud. Maybe she is angry. She is ok because she merely vents her negative emotions.
 However, when she goes silent, she is not ok. She is upset with negative emotions.
 
 When a man feels unpleasant, he can't keep his mouth shut. He is in the fighting mode, or he may want to beat someone. When he goes silent, he is ok. He is just thinking.
 
 When your wife goes silent, apologize to her.
 When she is non-stop blah blah blah, let her talk.
 When your husband goes silent, never force him to talk.
 When he refuses to shut up, hug him.

​Women tend to have much stronger emotions, imaginations, and feelings than men.  They love to share their stories and express their thoughts and feelings by talking through them. 
Men, generally speaking, tend to be naturally wired to problem-solving when their partners want something simple.  When he finds no problem requiring him to fix, he has no idea how to relate the issue and tries to escape instead. 
 
Therefore,

​Guys need praise as much as you do.  Make your compliments to be clear and specific.  The verbal praise that a man would love to hear is not something related to his masculine body.  Tell him if you think he is a helpful partner to do the chores or tell him he is a caring father to play with the kids.  The praises make him feel grateful.  He would work even harder to prove he deserves your kind words.

​It's important to understand that many men crave respect and recognition from others.  Men often assert themselves and like to showcase their abilities to stand out.  Never expose his mistakes or point out what he did wrong in public, as this can damage his self-esteem and make him feel foolish.

Men desire freedom and space.
They tend to spend their time in work, toys, sports, or hanging out with other guys.  While men desire more freedom, their partners would appeal to connection and love. 

What can you do about this?
​
Never try to exert pressure, coercion, or influence upon a man.  He chooses to do the right thing for him.  If you take a decision away from a man by being a pursuer, he will resent you, lose attraction to and escape from you.  A magnetic attraction of a woman is her ability to make a man feel he can leave at any time, and he chooses to stay and commit.

​Which is the hardest for you to say?
I love you.
The hard part is not to say it but to prove it.
 
Three simple words: "I love you." It takes three seconds to say, three minutes to explain, and a lifetime to prove.
 
The fantasy of marriage is finding a perfect soulmate you are willing to spend a lifetime of romance is what it's all about. Someone who will be there for you through any circumstance, whom you can trust completely and feel safe with. Someone who considers you to be the only beloved person in his life.
 
Susan is searching for a long-term relationship and wants to marry a good man and raise the kids to live a happy life. She is frustrated when she finds out her husband betrayed her even though she had done everything to make everyone happy.
 
Amy has rapidly climbed the corporate ladder and has a loving spouse and adorable children, yet she is still unhappy.
 
Jenny is uncertain if it is fair to sacrifice her promising career for her marriage. Someone once sarcastically asked her if a woman can be half pregnant.  She wonders if it is possible to be a great wife and still achieve a successful career.
 
How about you?
 
Marriage is like riding a roller coaster.  There are highs and lows, and in between, you will grow.  ​  What will you do with your spouse when confront challenges from financial breakdown, miscommunication, emotions, and  expectation differences?