Did you feel overwhelmed at the chores that need to be done daily? Cleaning the kitchen and the bathroom, and then the living room needs to be vacuumed, and get lost in wondering what's next of the ten other things require to do for tidying up the home. We all have a lazy pig inside our minds. You are either fighting against it or controlled by it. How we do anything is how we do everything. Ever wonder the messy environment can impact our minds for what we do in our daily life:
Are we reliance on the physical stuff to uplifting our feeling of happiness? My hubby teases me to tell he always feels risky to open the closet door with the stuff exploding to collapse. I decided to follow the decluttering method from Ms. Marie Kondo to organize my living space with minimal items based on her rules to:
It sounds good. Isn't it?
Why do people unwilling to throw away stuff? Very often, tangible physical space is reflecting our intangible space in our hearts. The physical chaos reflects we embrace a sense of insecurity by holding on the things of the past and refuse to let them go. We are sometimes confused about whether we need it or we want it.
Let’s me tell you a story:
Amy lived with her mother and a younger brother in a small apartment. She couldn’t see any point to place a big piano in the house when no one here knows how to play the piano. This piano belonged to her father. But he had abandoned this family since she was ten years old. Her mother was upset whenever her daughter raised the issue to throw away the piano. One day, while her mother blamed her for not respecting the things she loved, she blamed her mother for not allowing the family and herself to let go of the broken relationship with this man. The reality is that her father had abandoned this piano the same as he treated this family. Her mother was speechless and burst into tears.
It sounds bad. Isn’t it?
If you don’t cut the unwanted off, the chances are, you will tangle yourself with the complexity of chaos. You'll miss the beautiful future. Make simple in your physical space helps to smooth a spacious path for decluttering the chaos in heart. You would feel good by understanding yourself by sorting out the items, sorting out the chaos in the heart, and creating a fantastic feeling of happiness.
If you feel bad to throw away things, try the following tips:
My friend, Jenny, employed John to work in her restaurant. John was her chef and helped her to run the business for ten years. One day, John quitted his job to open a restaurant of his own. The location of this new restaurant was near to Jenny’s café. The recipes and menu were the same as Jenny’s restaurant, and offered a lower price. Jenny was furious, felt betrayed. Two years later, John became bankrupt with his restaurant was being closed. She was feeling slighted came with a sense of revenge victory. To her surprise, when she shared her story with her ex-boss (her mentor) about the misdeeds of John, he said,
“Well, that's nothing. You know what? Everyone would make mistakes. You and I would also make mistakes. The ones who made a bad decision might because they are short-sighted. It might because they do such things out of convenience. Or it might simply because they are stupid. They would learn the lesson and become smarter next time.”
Her ex-boss was well-said.
When you are trying to vent your emotions to someone you are angry with, it doesn’t mean you are right. It only means to have your emotions get triggered. Instead, a better way is to acknowledge we are imperfect. Accept other’s imperfection who embraces the same attributes (hypocrisy, selfishness, bullying) with us. Complaining or punishing others for their imperfection can’t make things better but covering up for our blind spots and responsibilities.
What should we do otherwise? Practice gratitude.
The ex-boss of Jenny is a retired billionaire who told her the thing that was responsible for him making billions of dollars, is:
“Be thankful 1,000 times a day.”
"Be thankful for those people giving you opportunities;
Be thankful for those people giving you knowledge;
Be thankful for your friends and partners who are always be with you no matter what..."
Gratitude helps us to transform the focus from the wrongdoing of others to our inner joy of abundance.
Words carry weight. The implications of life events are a matter of perspective. You are the one who signs a meaning to all situations through a certain frame. How we see the world is more important than how the world is. Parents can play a huge role in helping their teens to take notice of their thoughts by reframing the negative thoughts to something more positive. You can try to do this as follows:
Son: I feel like John (his schoolmate) is a freak.
Mom: What you really mean is that you’re not able to understand your schoolmate’s behavior.
Son: My friend doesn’t care about me.
Mom: What you mean is your friend does not care about the same thing with you.
Son: He sucks
Mom: What you mean is he hasn’t met your expectation.
Son: Susan (his younger sister) is too dependent on me
Mom: What you mean is your sister needs you to pay more attention to her.
Son: I get no way to make it.
Mom: What you mean is you haven’t got an effective way yet.
Son: Mom, I feel hopeless.
Mom: What you mean is you have worked very hard, and not reach the success yet.
Son: I hate that guy
Mom: What you mean is that guy makes you feel sort of disappointment.
Son: I hate myself
Mom: What you mean is you set a too high expectation on yourself.
Son: I do it wrong
Mom: What you mean is that you realize there is room for improvement.
Son: I want to quit
Mom: What you mean is you feel tired after hold on for long.
Son: Mom, this outfit is ugly
Mom: This outfit is not ugly. What you mean is you just dislike it.
The current coronavirus outbreak might make you feel stressful or anxious. You can try to find some mantras that can work for you to light up your spirit.
1. I'm Healthy. I'm Wealthy. I'm Sexy
2. Work like I don't need the money. Love like I haven't ever get hurt. Sing like on one is listening....
3. I accept the blessing from the great love of God
4. Let go the wrong information from my mind that I'm not good enough. And I deserve the best of the best.
5. Everything is figureoutable
While men tend to struggle for climbing to the top of the world, women want to become the center of the world. We are good at collaboration, intrigue with emotions, and enjoy nurturing by nature. A simple example of nurturing is that when my dog suddenly doesn’t eat her food, I would worry whether I haven’t taken good care of her health or not make her food right. My husband would tease me that my level of happiness correlates with the appetite of the dog. Women tend to have stronger emotions than men. A small thing can trigger our highly sensitive emotions, amplifying the negative feeling, allow ourselves to drown into the swamp of sadness. Sometimes, our negative energy drags us to what psychologists say about drama triangle or emotional blackmail for building a toxic relationship with our love ones. Hopefully, you are not playing any of the three roles in this triangle as follows:
Victim perspective (poor me)
A woman quit her career to raise the kid. She feels angry, desperate, unappreciated because she had made so much sacrifice to this family but nobody thanks her for it. When the kid is not listening to her, she feels as though she has been rejected and disrespected. She throws a tantrum to make the kid feels sorry for not cooperating. Or say, 'I worked so hard and I am alone now, you guys are so ungrateful.'
Rescuer perspective (wanting to fix)
A woman believes she gets a map to guide her son. She jumped out fast to help him solve problems. When her grown child asks for financial help to pay for his living expenses and graduate school tuition, she helps pay for anything at all.
Persecutor perspective (blaming and finding false)
A woman is mad at her husband. Her husband is well aware he should settle the fight within 20 minutes without allowing his wife to bring the tears to bed. Otherwise, he will get into more trouble. Well, yes, Susan tells herself that I’m not happy. And if you don’t care, I will double the unhappiness to you!
The emotional blackmail is trying to manipulate the other person might because of fear and sense of insecurity. When something occurs to stir up your emotions (like anger, shame, pity, guilt, resentment), avoid reacting immediately. Very often, the immediate verbal expression of anger includes yelling, arguing, cursing, sarcasm. Such a reaction is typically associated with hostile thought and maladaptive behavior. It almost always leads to bad outcomes. Learning to deal with your own emotions first, and deal with the issue comes next. You can try to use 3 sentences to release your emotions.
Sentence #1. I'm not my emotion
I'm not my emotion. This emotion doesn’t reflect my true self. I don’t need to hold on it, agree with it. It’s only a state of feeling that happens in this specific time of the environment. Let it move away, far away.
Sentence #2. Thank you for my emotion
Thank you for my emotion because this emotion is a gift sent to me from God. It comes to remind me of re-examining myself to overcome my preconception and expectations. Very often, we fall in love with our expectations. If what we anticipate doesn’t come true, we become frustrated. Stay present. Look at what’s in front of you.
Sentence #3. I make use of my emotion
Get along with my emotions. Build a good relationship with my emotions as if they are my buddies. Make use of the emotions to take ownership of our life and accept ourselves fully. You are not able to love other people if you don’t love yourself first. Build up the energy for self-compassionate and inner peace.
Dealing with our emotions is complicated. Besides the inner talk to ourselves with these three sentences, building healthy boundaries and practice gratitude did work to overcome the emotional blackmail.
Anyway, remind yourself never to drain your energy to the things you dislike. Or you might double up your negative energy to attract bad thing comes even closer.
Stay tuned for stories about healthy boundaries and forgiveness.
Susan is looking for a long-term relationship, wants to marry a good man, raise the kids to live a happy life. Those are the humble wishes of a woman. She asks herself, why can’t I always get what I want? My husband betrayed me. My kid hated me.
Amy has climbed the corporate ladder in a short period. She is never short of money with a good husband and adorable children. While everyone admires her, why she doesn’t feel happy?
Ann loves growing and learning. She attended plenty of workshops, changed jobs, started-up her own business. It seems like all these are not working for her. What wrong with her?
Jenny couldn’t understand why all her bosses and boyfriends were jerks. She is facing repeating patterns in life. How to change the repeating pattern?
When everything appears to go perfect in your life, suddenly terrible thing happens such as serious illness, business failure, get fired, or your loved one passed away. All your pillars suddenly collapse all at once. What can you do for the healing?
These are not stories from movies. They are so real that would happen at some point in our life. Never expect there is a hero who will come to rescue us. There is no hero on earth. I’m seeking answers for the turning point to help myself and others. It’s a long journey. I invite you to join me on this journey to seek a path forward with guidance and offer solace about what’s happening and what’s next.
Let’s start with the issue of balance. Everything in life need balance:
You will not fall if you get the balance. On the contrary, one pillar falls, a collapse will occur.
Said is easier than done, of course.
Have you ever realized that the unbalance is happening all the time in our life because we are good at making the unbalance shift? Why does this happen to us?
1. Suppress Emotions
How to respond to your emotional unhappiness when you are not ok? When our anger, sorrow, sadness collided within our hearts, we tell ourselves life must go on. When our mind and spirit are not ready to move-on, we push our body to keep going for work. We maintain our calm exterior because we don’t want to appear weak in front of the frail-heart-soul. Those anger and sorrow had buried deep into our psyche. They had not disappeared. You would project out those emotions with someone somewhere to affect your life.
2. Are You More Of Them, Less Of You?
How well do you understand yourself? What motivated you to do this thing and not that thing? Are you happy from the bottom of your heart? How to get along with your inner self? What are your needs and drives? If we care enough to be new tomorrow, we ought to get the courage to transform from what we used to believe. The person we want to become can’t possibly be the same as the person we were. Are you willing to make changes to be the best version of you so that you love yourself regardless other people hate you or not?
3. Reluctant To Let Go
Will you throw away the stuff in your house? At some point, you have to realize that it’s time to let them go. So did your intangible aspect in your life by:
Stop holding on the question of why. Let them go.
The next questions are how to handle our negative emotions and understand our inner selves. Let's explore in the upcoming posts (work on progress).
It would be great to enjoy the fun with a bunch of roller coasters of emotions. There are highs and lows, and in between them, you will grow.
I am wondering a woman is not getting old gradually. A woman can get old at the speed of light suddenly when she gives up caring for her beauty. Keeping a slim-fit shape with optimum weight makes you look 5 to 10 years younger than your real age. What’s more, you look great as you are able to wear those beautiful clothing shinning with your feminine charm.
Why do women gain weight? What can we do about this?
Are you a career woman who is busy all day long? You are exhausted with long working hours without giving yourself a break. Day time fatigue causes you extremely hungry at night because you don’t eat enough during the day. High working pressure would trigger adrenaline rush and cortisol result in culminating fats in belly and waist.
Avoid eating a big meal and break down into several small meals throughout the day. Prepare some healthy snacks in between the meals such as fresh fruits to stave off hunger. The result is you eat less. Make your food choice wisely. Intake the food with high nutrition value with low calories such as vegetables and fruits. Most women addicted to high calorie with low nutrition values such as bread, chocolate, deep-fried meat or chips, or all the sweetie desserts.
Women who are lacking enough red blood cells tend to like eating high sugar or sweet food as sugar can boost up energy, but lead to fatigue as well. If you are craving sugar, it could mean your body is a deficiency in some main minerals and vitamins that cause your body to become acidic and culminate in fats as well.
Intake the food rich in vitamin B₁₂ such as clam, beef, rainbow trout, sockeye salmon, tuna fish can help. It plays an important role in the production of your red blood cells.
3. Liver health
If you get premenstrual syndrome or menstrual disorder, this may indicate you should care more for your liver health. Your liver health and increased levels of cortisol hormone affect your emotion, sometimes come with the dark spots on the face. These dark spots are not the common sparsely scatter spots. They are the spots that are darker in color like a splash instead and not easy to remove.
Eat beets or dandelion roots for the health of our liver. Intake the food rich in fatty acid and antioxidants such as grapes and pine bark extract with collagen help to adjust the hormones as well for smoother skin.
4. Sleep late
You may still browse the PC for entertainment or keep on working after midnight. Sleeping late at night is linked to increased levels of cortisol hormone, which is one of the major causes of weight gain
Sleep before 11 pm. Removing electronics (TV, computer, mobile phone) from the bedroom. The bedroom is for sleeping only.
My friend told me she should take 2 burgers before bed. No surprise it is an emotional overeating issue. Eating the carbs with high calorie tend to boost up serotonin which makes her feel better.
Seek help when you have an emotional problem. The problem may more than you can handle on your own. Never try to hide it or escape from it. Tell yourself you have to solve it by whatever methods. I get a feeling that if God gives us a lesson and if we don’t handle it, the same thing will loop to happen again until we learn.
Very often, I tell myself, I’m your mom, I am always right. At least, I think so. Aggression and fixation on disagreements intensify the conflict between each other in relationships. We rely on those closest to us for support, so did our child. We can accept critical words from those who are not close to us because we can believe they reflect a lack of knowledge about us rather than an actual flaw in us. Critical words from parents to their child cut deeply. The effective way of communication is changing the "no-no-no" model to the "yes-no-yes" model. What does the yes-no-yes model mean?
Yes => acknowledge the positive intention of the child
No=> disagreed with her/his behavior without judging and make clear your bottom-line.
Yes => make win-win suggestion or promise.
Imagine you are in the middle of preparing dinner. Your little daughter comes into the kitchen. She imitates what you’re doing for cooking, but she screws up the ingredients, and the food is dropping on the ground to cause the messy.
The “no-no-no” communication like this:
No => "I told you thousand times don’t play with the food. You cause the food wastage."
No => "I have to buy the food and prepare everything all over again"
No => "Get out from the kitchen NOW!"
The “yes-no-yes” communication like this:
Yes is for acknowledge the positive intention of the child
=> "I know you want to help mom preparing dinner"
No is for telling your bottom-line. Speak nicely, don’t judge, make the kid feels comfortable so that she would feel easier to accept your point.
=> "Many poor people don’t get food, don’t waste food"
Yes is for making suggestion or promise with win-win approach
=> "if you want to help mom, you directly tell me. I will teach you how to do it properly and we can make the dinner together. Got it?"
What is the magical thing that will brighten your day and the days of people around you? The answer is smiling. Your smile makes other people happy and makes you happy in return. You probably heard the body language would carry 55% of weight to impress the other person. Sad faces generated sad faces, and smiling faces evoked smiles and happiness. Bring the sunshine to your lover by your smiles. You are delivering a pleasant message to him that everything would be ok.
2. First Met
Have you ever felt tired in a relationship with those changes occur around the waistline of your partner, and marital tensions get bigger? You wonder he is not the man he was on the day you tied the knot, and you no longer enjoy looking his extra pound belly. And then let’s try to imagine you travel back in time when you first met him. Remind yourself of what attracted him to you in the first place. Do you remember the day you start talking with each other? Set up the romantic moment with him, have a candlelight dinner, end with a kiss like the first time all over again.
To make volunteering a family affair (or an affair with your hubby). Every community has countless opportunities for doing charity. Anything you can do will not only help others, and it will also help you. It would be great to spend meaningful time for making a positive difference in your community and do it with your partner. You will feel good about yourselves with a sense of purpose, feel appreciated, and give yourself to a good cause. When you give the other people love and attention, you are rewarded by getting a chance to see the beauty in yourself and your partner.
Let’s face it, women tend to have much stronger emotions, imaginations, and feelings than men. We are eager to share our stories, express what we are thinking and feeling by talking through it. Men, generally speaking, tend to be naturally wired to problem-solving when their partners want something simpler. Most of the time, a man responds to his wife’s emotions with a problem-solving approach. When he finds there is no problem requiring him to fix, he gets limited ability to know how to relate the issue. The man might regard his wife is annoying and resolve to escape. In my opinions…
Men tend to process their emotions inwardly. They don’t know exactly how they feel, so they try to figure it out on their own inside their head. When a man goes silent, he is just thinking. Don’t force him to talk. Leave him alone. He will come out of the cave, sooner or later.
Guys need praise as much as you do. Make your compliments to be clear and specific. The verbal praise that a man would love to hear is not something related to his masculine body. Tell him if you think he is a helpful partner to do the chores or tell him he is a caring father to play with the kids. The praises make him feel grateful. He would work even harder to prove he deserves your kind words.
7. Hero in Public
Believe it or not, men seek an exceptionally huge weight of respect and recognition from the other people. They express their assertiveness, unleash themselves, and like to demonstrate their capability to others by showing off they are very different. Don't pick out the one thing he did (or say) wrong when he is in public. He will hate you to make him look stupid and hurt his self-esteem.
Men desire freedom and space. They tend to involve their time in work, their toys, sports, or hanging out with the guys. While men likely desire more freedom, their partner would appeal to connection and love. What can you do about this? Never try to exert pressure, coercion, or influence upon a man. He chooses what is right for him. If you take a decision away from a man by being a pursuer, he will resent you, lose attraction for and escape from you. The magnetic attraction from the feminine energy is made man feels he can leave at any time, and he chooses to stay and commit.
One day, Jenny read a novel called “when the coffee got cold” in an old coffee shop. The novel relates you are able to return back to the time of your choice. No matter what you do, you can’t change what had happened. Your time in the past starts when your coffee has been poured and ends once the coffee has gone cold.
Jenny is thinking, under this condition, who does she want to talk to before the coffee gets cold?
Jenny thinks what if the time machine takes her to the future. The future of 5 years later. What will Vivian (her daughter) talk to her?
Time travel forward to 5 years later (Part 2 of the story)
Jenny and Vivian are inside the coffee shop, the soft light, and the calm music make them feel relax. The beautiful lyric from the old song swirling around:
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.
Jenny: Vivian, did you still hate me? On that day, you said you hate me.
Vivian: Did I say this? I was throwing my inner child at that time.
Mom, whatever you did to me are the gifts. They were gifts for helping me grow. I believed whatever you did to me was purely from love. And not all the things you did to me were suitable for my needs, sometimes they carried pressure and even hurt me. I believe if you know your expectations on me would hurt me so much, you would never do this to me.
Mom, I’m sorry I chose to care for my feeling only and neglect you had gone through a hard time to support the whole family alone. I’m sorry to judge you for the damaged relationship with dad and regard myself as a victim. Please forgive me I was not able to meet all your expectations based on your standards.
Mom, thank you for bringing me in this world
You know, my life is mine
I've got to love myself
I've got to live a meaningful life in my way
I've got to responsible for my needs
I'm no longer regard myself as a victim.
Your relationship with dad gives back to you.
I'll be here with you
I can only use my way to support you.
I am not able to support you by fulfilling your expectations on me.
I've got my value system
Whether you agree or disagree with my thinking.
I'm still me
I will listen to your opinion
And I might not follow
I would learn how to get along with you with a different opinion
Mom, we are two different individuals.
I am responsible for my life
I'll be happy from now on.
I promise I will plant my happiness to repay you
Mom, I love you. I always love you, and I will love you forever.
Thank you, Mom.
A mom, feminine optimistic style, love to travel. Addict to coffee