How to keep cool during the heated argument with the kid?

We are always right. At least, we think so. When we can’t get our kids to do what we want them to do, we push harder, throw out tantrum, we shout.  And the kid responds with even more resistance, trigger their defensive mode, shutting us out. At the moment of the heated argument, each of us is sure the other person is the one who is wrong. In fact, there is nothing to be gained from letting yourself become adversarial with your loved ones.  How much more important these people are to you than is the issue you are talking about.  How to deal with your emotion to avoid the heated argument?

1. Mind your thinking

Toddlers have tantrums. Adults should solve problems.  Ever wonder your negative emotion is demonstrating your fear after all? The fear that fuels a narrative of being unheard. The fear that you’re not good enough. The fear that this might be the last chance you get to make everything exactly perfect.  Your frustration becomes complaints; grudges become insulting words; helplessness becomes sarcastic.

2. Mind your words

From parents, critical words cut deeply.  If you must say something negative, always be constructive.  Make your criticism reflect your love and respect, not disappointment. When we use the common word such as stupid, it carries a range of meaning from ill-considered to ignorant.  Maybe you meant it in the nicest possible terms, but even then, when speaking to someone, especially someone close, you have to assume that your words will be taken in the strongest, least positive way.

3. Pause before act

Quoted from someone (forget from whom) to say that we take months to learn how to talk, but we take years to learn how to listen.  I am not trying to underestimate the ability of the kid to trigger your hot button.  You don’t need to back talk immediately.  Pause before to response the verbal stimulus.  We well aware heated argument can't make thing better.

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I ask you, and then you tell me.  It means trust
I don’t ask you, and you don’t tell me.  What a sort of distance?
I ask you, and you don’t tell me.  It is a gap.
I don’t ask you, and you want to tell me. It is reliance.