Be Authentic Series: Relationship With Parents

Parents were the first people that we knew and interacted with when we were born in this world. We inevitably used to cope with their expectations and were carried away by their emotions.  Ever wonder our relationship with our parents would subconsciously affect our marital relationship and our relationship with our children.

While people said that be true to yourselves, it sounds no doubt for argument. The dilemma that applies to the relationship with my mom is a bit tricky.  If I insist on doing the right thing for me, but my mom opposes me to do.  She’ll upset (play victim).   I won’t be happy to overwhelm with self-blame to hurt my mom.  If I appease her to do what she wants me to do out of obligation, I won’t be happy, either.

How to deal with this dilemma?  The key is communication.  A relationship is about communication.

​1. Beware of Body Language

During a heated argument with my mom, I felt angry was not about what she said. It was about how she said it, and vice versa. Our body language (tone, gesture, sound level) delivers our hidden message. So did the body language from others trigger our emotions. When I raise my voice to shout for carrying out my point, my mom felt like I was trying to challenge her motherhood authority with humiliation.  When she was on the flame of anger, she would never listen but defense to prove I was the wrong one.
 
Aware of our body language that can hurt others.  I have to remind myself not to respond immediately from anger.  Pause a few seconds, manage my emotions before reacting. And then talk to my mom in a way to assert her positive intention.  Try to settle her emotional feeling before giving feedback.

2. Identify the Hot Button

My mom is a perfectionist.  I can’t understand why she regard the vase is not putting back to the exact original position after cleaning by other person is a big deal.  She keeps focusing on the imperfect aspect made me feel annoying.  Dealing with her drive me crazy to feel frustrating, annoying, and difficult. She is my mom, I love her. Enneagram helps me to understand her drive of behavior and change my perspective to deal with her. Our relationship improves. 
 
I realize from enneagram that anger is her drive.  She wants to be right, to be consistent with her ideals of standards beyond criticism. She wants to correct others striving for improvement. She is picky and not a difficult person. 
 
What is the difference between picky and difficult?
Picky embrace consistent preferences and standards.   Difficult people change their preferences frequently, and often in response to who is presenting to them or the mood they’re in.
 
My mom is picky with consistent preferences and standards. She doesn’t mean she has the intention to make me feel miserable by her motherhood authority. When she insists on her point what she disagrees with, I understand there will be no way to change her mind. I learn to avoid starting the argument with her and move to change the subject instead. By the way, there are many things where right or wrong are relative, perhaps merely based on perspective.  I don’t feel so much angry with her pickiness anymore.  

3. ​Rebuild the Connection

My mom used to throw tantrums when I was not able to meet her expectation. Her words would cut me deeply to make me believe an actual flaw in myself. What she said to me was her choice, and my reaction was my choice.  While someone says you’re a retarded, it doesn’t make you change to become a retarded. Never allow our emotions to carry away by our anger.  Anger is meant you feel like you’ve no choice, helpless, and in the dead end.  Set up a healthy boundary.  It’s her story, not my story.

How to transform anger into forgiveness, respect, and courage?  Try to find a quiet place and imagine my mom is right in front of me.   Speak to her and tell her:

Mom, thank you for bringing me into this world
I understand my life is mine
I've got to love myself
I've got to live a meaningful life in my way
I've got to responsible for my needs
I'm no longer regard myself as a victim.
Your relationship with dad gives back to you.
I'll be here with you.
I can only use my way to support you.
I am not able to support you by fulfilling your expectations of me.
I've got my value system.
Whether you agree or disagree with my thinking,
I'm still me
I will listen to your opinion.
And I might not follow.
I would learn how to get along with you with a different opinion.
Mom, we are two different individuals.
I am responsible for my life.
I'll be happy from now on.
I promise I will plant my happiness to repay you.
 
Mom, I love you. I always love you, and I will love you forever.
Thank you, Mom.