Women Blossom Blog
Women Blossom Blog
What does a perfectionist want to focus on others that provoke conflicts? How to release the communication tension?
By using an enneagram as a tool, observing the finding from my experience with the real stories, that help me to come up with the insights that work for me to build great relationships with others.
How about if your coworker or your parents are perfectionists with who you can’t avoid interacting? You can’t walk away every time where there is conflict. With family, you cannot always run from the issue.
How to get along with perfectionists?
1. Don’t take it personally
Yes, you feel hurt and gravitate towards backtalk immediately.
Pause from the verbal stimulus and try to understand they are highly disciplined people carrying good intentions to fix the wrongs through improvement. They won't accept different ideas other than their beliefs and demand others to fit in their ideal rules. A heated argument only fuels the anger of both sides and worsens the situation.
How to respond? Tell them: Thank you for your sharing. It may sound sarcastic, and at least the conversation is over.
2. Don’t Play Victim
Back to the story, my immediate narrative of her abrasive manner was to play the victim. I felt like I was the victim to bear her workload during her long absence led me to get insufficient time to do my jobs well. She indeed should give thanks to me instead of picking any minor mistakes for blaming me. When I thought I was a victim, I would naturally try to find a persecutor. And then, I realized what was the point to give up my power. What she thought and said was her choice. How to respond to her behavior was my choice.
It is your story, not my story.
3. Use Yes-No-Yes communication.
Recap the story:
Jen was my co-worker who took maternity leave for more than three months. One day, she found I had misplaced some files causing trouble for her. She used an abrasive manner yelling at me to address what I was not doing right as if I was an idiot.
Jen: Do you miss out save all the (digital) files in the folder?
Me: I did save all the files.
Jen: No, you should save files A, B, C, and D. You miss out save file A.
Me: I had saved files B, C, and D. File A was redundant. What is the meaning of saving two same files together?
Jen: Starting from the first day of work, my boss told me I should save all A, B, C, and D files.
She amplified the issue by raising her voice and yelling at me.
Me: What's wrong with you? I can’t understand what is the big deal about this issue?
Jen: You think this issue has no problem, that issue has no problem, nothing has a problem.
Both she and I were angry. We never talked with each other over the whole day.
(Yes) I know the workflow is from the company for everyone to follow that keep going for years. Breaking the norm may arise unforeseen problem to others.
(No) Frankly speaking, finger pointing make me uncomfortable. I simply think it doesn’t make sense to make simple work complicated. I’m busy in the middle of completing my urgent work right now. Let’s discuss tomorrow to go through the current workflow in order to find out solution. (Speak nicely, don’t judge, make other person feels comfortable so that she will accept your point easier.)
(Yes) I will prepare more information for discussion. Let’s talk tomorrow. (Suggestion and promise)
If you are a perfectionist,
adrenaline stumbles up and down and won’t make you feel good.
Ever heard people say that:
Your feeling becomes your thinking.
Your thinking becomes your words.
Your words become your action.
Your actions become your result.
And this will become your destiny.
Once you change your perspective, you will change your feeling, thinking, and words.
Change the perspective: Forgiveness vs. correctness
1. Learn to forgive
Forgive the world is imperfect.
Forgive people are imperfect.
Forgive you are imperfect.
Forgive you can be all wrong.
Everyone would make mistakes. You and I would also make mistakes. The ones who made a bad decision might because they want to cut corner. It might because they do such things out of convenience. Or it might simply because they are stupid. They would learn the lesson and become smarter next time
2. I could be all wrong
Don’t create the drama triangle as a persecutor.
The communication conflict between two persons is about each of them regarding the other person is wrong. It is about our certainty of rightness that makes heated arguments heated. How unlikely you’re always right, and I’m always wrong. When people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right; And when they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong. If the methods you’ve used to judge other people, to make decisions have been helping you get exactly what you seek, congratulations. In fact, how unlikely you know all the answers. Respect there’s a chance the other people to work on their filers, their habits and their instincts. A rock climber doesn’t see a steep slope the same way an elderly person does. In fact, there are many things where right or wrong are relative, perhaps merely based on perspective.
When you encounter a situation that triggers your anger, try to calm down your emotions to tell yourself: I could be all wrong.
And after you convey your points, and ask: what do you think?
Digital marketer, writer, editor, feminine optimistic style, pursuit of happiness, addict to coffee.