How to deal with the abrasive manner from others?

My co-worker took maternity leave for more than three months.  She returned office to release my double workload was a good thing.

One day, she found I had misplaced some files causing trouble for her.  She used an abrasive manner yelling at me to address what I was not doing right as if I was an idiot.  It was uncommon she used to amplify some trivial issues for a heated argument. 
Rationally, I told myself to neglect her rudeness.  But the issues kept spiraling in my mind to feel unhappy with negative energy. 
​
My immediate narrative of her abrasive manner was playing the victim. I felt like I was the victim to bear her workload during her long absence led me to get insufficient time to do my jobs well. She indeed should give thanks to me instead of picking any minor mistakes for blaming me. And then, I realized my narrative drove me in the wrong direction. I shouldn’t give up my power. What she thought and said was her choice. How to respond to her action was my choice.

1. Detach the emotion with that person

Did you ever think about the fuel of her anger derived from the projection of her issue (psychologically called the dark shadow)?  It was not about you.  It was about her.  She wanted you to be part of it by drowning in the swap of her anger.  The emotions of anger, fear, and anxiety belonged to her and gave back to her.

Next, you imagine a mental picture pulling out this person far away from you towards the rooftop, to the sky, to the universe, and the spot will become so tiny as if it was dust.
​
How can tiny dust do anything to hurt you?

2. Focus on what matters

I try to awaken my consciousness and shift my perspective to the great things, great people, great nature, and a great environment around me.
Focus on what matters. Recalling my priorities are health, relationship, money, and career achievement.
I tell myself:
I can, I believe, I promise, I deserve, I choose XXXXX
Think about the world is what I make it. 
Bring back my power and positive energy.

3. Lighten Up Expectation. I’m where I should be.

I cannot control the thinking of others.  Letting go of my desires that the world should operate according to my expectation.  Tenderness, calm, and serenity are more powerful to respond to whatever happens in our life.  God has a plan we never know.  I’m where I should be.  All that happens is right.
​
“I understood how much it offended somebody when I tried to force my desires on this person even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it.  
Today I know: It’s called letting go.” (quoted from Charlie Chaplin poem)
 
I love the quote from Reinhold Niebuhr:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

4. The Mantra of Three Sentences

Finally, practice to tell yourself three sentences:

a) I am not my emotion. 
You tell yourself: I am not my anger (if you are preoccupied with the feeling of anger). 
You feel anger towards someone that happened in this particular moment only. It comes and goes.  

b) I embrace my anger.
You tell yourself: I embrace my anger.
We are human and inevitably get this anger emotion occasionally. You don't need to discriminate or attack it.
 
c) When I have this feeling of anger, I choose XXXX.
When I feel angry, I choose to be calm by using tenderness and serenity to accept things I cannot control for inner peace.

---

​All in all, not everyone responds to the same issue the same.
Ever wonder why some people, some words, or some behavior easily trigger your negative emotions? But others may regard it as no big deal and neglect them easily.
 
Let’s go on a journey to find out why and how to deal with it.  Stay tuned for the next post.