Women Blossom Blog
Women Blossom Blog
Communication Series: How to Release Communication Tension with the Giver (Part 2)
What does a giver want to focus on others that provoke disputes? How to release the communication tension?
By using an enneagram as a tool, observing the finding from my experience with the real stories, that help me to come up with the insights that work for me to build great relationships with others.
Let's recap the character traits and the story in part 1.
How to get along with the giver?
1. Appreciate and praise their kindness
a) They need praise and compliments as much as you do.
b) Your compliments need to be clear and specific.
c) Praise for their kind intention instead of the actual work they had done. For instance, if your husband is a giver who helps you with the chores, you can praise him for his effort to share your burden rather than appreciate his cleaning work.
2. Need Permission
You may feel the giver has disparaged your skill as if you can’t do it on your own. If so, say no to keep a healthy boundary by using the communication method of yes => no =>yes.
Yes (appreciate the positive intention)
No (tell your bottom line and speak nicely)
Yes (make suggestion or promise).
Recap the story:
One day, Susan goes shopping and buys plenty of dresses and pants for the family. When Mandy (her daughter) returns home, she shows the dress that she buys for her.
OMG! The dress looks awful. You don’t know fashion. I like to buy the clothing by myself.
I saw you wearing the same dress every day, never go shopping to buy new clothing. What I buy for you is the work of a well-known designer and is costly. You don’t appreciate your mom and are being so rude. OK, throw it away.
Susan burst into tears.
Mandy's response to her mom can be like this:
(Yes) I’m so busy squeezing the time to buy my clothing, and you have bought one for me. Thank you, Mom!
(No) However, I confess my taste is a bit ridiculous. That is the reason why I always wear the same dress. It's not easy to find an outfit that can match my taste and style.
(Yes) I love shopping. Maybe next time we will go shopping together to buy the clothing.
If you are a giver,
No doubt you are kind and generous to care for others. At the same time, you are unaware you are playing the role of God, something like a mother loves her children at the expense of controlling them in every aspect of their life.
You tend to believe that no one will know how to love others better than you do.
Ever heard people say that:
Your feeling becomes your thinking.
Your thinking becomes your words.
Your words become your action.
Your actions become your result.
And this will become your destiny.
Once you change your perspective, you will change your feeling, thinking, and words.
Change the perspective: humble vs. pride
1. Learn to be humble
The givers are so generous. They are humble, aren’t they? Not really!
They try to play the role of God in pride as if they know all the answers.
Learning to be humble is avoiding being a rescuer by respecting others and yourself.
Everyone is different and has the right to choose what they want, to realize that you would never know everything to decide for others. Being humble is to respect the choice of others because you will not know all the answers. Even if you want to help, please ask for permission.
No one has the responsibility to care about you. In reality, most people are just thinking about themselves. If you care so much about whether others care for you, you will succumb to appeasing others. Remember that at the end of the day, almost nothing is belonged to you. Do your very best to make yourself happy. Be yourself. Respect yourself.
2. Healthy Boundaries
What is a healthy boundary?
When you find your friend is starving, you can ask him for dinner together. Your friend will feel cozy and warm via your caring attitude. And you don’t need to help him pay the home rent and buy him food daily.
Supporter vs. Rescuer
If you are a mom, you love your child. What will you do for your children:
You do everything for the child by yourself (Mom A); or
Allow the child to learn how to take responsibility for herself (Mom B).
The mom didn’t allow the child to wash dishes to prevent she broke the dishes up. The child never got a chance to participate in cooking because she feared the child would burn herself. When the child tried to wash his bag, her mom washed it for her as she worried the bag would not clean enough after washing.
The child presumed that there was a lot of things she couldn’t handle by herself.
She taught her child how to wash the clothes to make it clean;
How to wash the dishes to prevent breaking them;
How to hold the hot food without burning herself.
The child learned how to take responsibility for herself in her daily life.
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