What does a perfectionist want to focus on others that provoke conflicts? How to release the communication tension?
 
By using an enneagram as a tool, observing the finding from my experience with the real stories, that help me to come up with the insights that work for me to build great relationships with others.

​How about if your coworker or your parents are perfectionists with who you can’t avoid interacting?  You can’t walk away every time where there is conflict.  With family, you cannot always run from the issue. 

​Yes, you feel hurt and gravitate towards backtalk immediately.
Pause from the verbal stimulus and try to understand they are highly disciplined people carrying good intentions to fix the wrongs through improvement.  They won't accept different ideas other than their beliefs and demand others to fit in their ideal rules.  A heated argument only fuels the anger of both sides and worsens the situation.
 
How to respond?  Tell them:  Thank you for your sharing.  It may sound sarcastic, and at least the conversation is over.

​Back to the story, my immediate narrative of her abrasive manner was to play the victim. I felt like I was the victim to bear her workload during her long absence led me to get insufficient time to do my jobs well. She indeed should give thanks to me instead of picking any minor mistakes for blaming me.  When I thought I was a victim, I would naturally try to find a persecutor.  And then, I realized what was the point to give up my power. What she thought and said was her choice. How to respond to her behavior was my choice.
It is your story, not my story.

​Recap the story:

Jen was my co-worker who took maternity leave for more than three months.  One day, she found I had misplaced some files causing trouble for her.  She used an abrasive manner yelling at me to address what I was not doing right as if I was an idiot.

Jen: Do you miss out save all the (digital) files in the folder?
Me:  I did save all the files. 
Jen: No, you should save files A, B, C, and D.  You miss out save file A.
Me: I had saved files B, C, and D. File A was redundant.  What is the meaning of saving two same files together?
Jen:  Starting from the first day of work, my boss told me I should save all A, B, C, and D files.

She amplified the issue by raising her voice and yelling at me. 

Me: What's wrong with you?  I can’t understand what is the big deal about this issue? 
Jen: You think this issue has no problem, that issue has no problem, nothing has a problem.
​
Both she and I were angry.  We never talked with each other over the whole day.

(Yes) I know the workflow is from the company for everyone to follow that keep going for years.  Breaking the norm may arise unforeseen problem to others. 

(No) Frankly speaking, finger pointing make me uncomfortable.  I simply think it doesn’t make sense to make simple work complicated.  I’m busy in the middle of completing my urgent work right now.  Let’s discuss tomorrow to go through the current workflow in order to find out solution.   (Speak nicely, don’t judge, make other person feels comfortable so that she will accept your point easier.)
 
(Yes) I will prepare more information for discussion. Let’s talk tomorrow. (Suggestion and promise)

adrenaline stumbles up and down and won’t make you feel good.
 
Ever heard people say that:
Your feeling becomes your thinking. 
Your thinking becomes your words. 
Your words become your action.
Your actions become your result.
And this will become your destiny.
 
Once you change your perspective, you will change your feeling, thinking, and words. 
 
Change the perspective:  Forgiveness vs. correctness

1. Learn to forgive  
Forgive the world is imperfect.
Forgive people are imperfect.
Forgive you are imperfect.
Forgive you can be all wrong. 
 
Everyone would make mistakes.  You and I would also make mistakes. The ones who made a bad decision might because they want to cut corner. It might because they do such things out of convenience.  Or it might simply because they are stupid.  They would learn the lesson and become smarter next time

2. I could be all wrong

​Don’t create the drama triangle as a persecutor.
​
The communication conflict between two persons is about each of them regarding the other person is wrong.  It is about our certainty of rightness that makes heated arguments heated.  How unlikely you’re always right, and I’m always wrong.  When people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right; And when they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.  If the methods you’ve used to judge other people, to make decisions have been helping you get exactly what you seek, congratulations.  In fact, how unlikely you know all the answers.  Respect there’s a chance the other people to work on their filers, their habits and their instincts.  A rock climber doesn’t see a steep slope the same way an elderly person does.  In fact, there are many things where right or wrong are relative, perhaps merely based on perspective. 

When you encounter a situation that triggers your anger, try to calm down your emotions to tell yourself: I could be all wrong. 

And after you convey your points, and ask: what do you think?

What does a perfectionist want to focus on others that provoke conflicts? How to release the communication tension?
 
By using an enneagram as a tool, observing the finding from my experience with the real stories, that help me to come up with the insights that work for me to build great relationships with others.
 
The Character
My mom keeps the house perfectly clean without any dust on the furniture. Everything organizes so well that she regards it a big deal if anyone tries to misplace the stuff, not in the exact original position. She keeps focusing on pinpointing anything imperfect that drives me crazy.

Susan can't tolerate making grammatical mistakes and used to pick grammatical errors whenever she reads articles or emails. 

Mandy feels angry with her coworkers when they fail to follow all the steps accurately.  If the rule is ten steps, you should not make it more than or less than ten steps.

Worldview and Drive
What do they want?  They want to be correct.
The drive is anger.  
 
They believe the world operates as an ideal framework of standards or rules upon people to follow.  They want to fix the wrong and improve everything consistent with their ideals.  They want to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone. 

People may describe them as stubborn and picky.  A simple issue will trigger a heated argument, and they will never back off. 

Subjective vs. Objective
While they appear stubborn, picky, and subjective on the surface, they are much more objective than you think.  They did not set up the standards and rules by themselves.  Objectively, they have learned the rules from outside (authority, parents or schools) about all those standards.  They’re picky with consistent standards and rarely change their preferences frequently in response to who is presenting to them or when their mood changes.

Communication Tension
They are perfectionists and focus on the imperfect aspect of others.
I am right, and you are wrong. 
Anger drives them to complain, critique, and judge.
 
My mom would be mad at me merely because I had not put the spoon back in the drawer after dinner.  A heated argument came after as she insisted on her point about correctness and blamed me as if I couldn't do anything right.  However, it is how unlikely everyone would see the world the same way. 

Perfectionists feel angry when they can’t get others to do what they consider correct. And then, they push harder, throw out tantrums, and even shout.  Studies by research that 55 percent of communication is conveyed through facial expressions, gestures and posture, 38 percent is conveyed through tone and only 7 percent comes through words. In other words, it is not about what you said but about how you say it.  The finger-pointing attitude causes the other side responds with even more resistance, triggering the defensive mode and shutting you out.  At the moment of the heated argument, both sides are sure the other person is the wrong one. 

If you are a perfectionist, some of your friends have concluded it is not just worth disagreeing with you, and others have concluded it’s not even worth talking to you, since people never know when a topic will lead to a controversy.

How about if your coworker or your parents are perfectionists with who you can’t avoid interacting?  You can’t walk away every time where there is conflict.  With family, you cannot always run from the issue.

The Story
Jen was my co-worker who took maternity leave for more than three months.  One day, she found I had misplaced some files causing trouble for her.  She used an abrasive manner yelling at me to address what I was not doing right as if I was an idiot.

Jen: Do you miss out save all the (digital) files in the computer folder?
Me:  I did save all the files. 
Jen: No, you should save files A, B, C, and D.  You miss out save file A.
Me: I had saved files B, C, and D. File A was redundant. 
What is the meaning of saving two same files together?
Jen:  Starting from the first day of work, my boss told me I should save all A, B, C, and D files.

She amplified the issue by raising her voice and yelling at me. 

Me: What's wrong with you?  I can’t understand what is the big deal about this issue? 
Jen: You think this issue has no problem, that issue has no problem, nothing has a problem.
​
Both she and I were angry.  We never talked with each other over the whole day.
 
How to deal with Jen (a perfectionist)?
If you are a perfectionist, what is the particular lesson that helps you to leap for a better life?
 
Stay tuned to the Perfectionist Part. 2

There will be stimuli from the other’s words and behavior that make you angry, sad, or resentful.  Someone is offensive, finger-pointing, and harassing you.  You may think: What’s wrong with you?
 
Controllable vs. Uncontrollable
Your thinking in your mind is controllable.
The thinking in the mind of the other person is uncontrollable.
 
The tragedy is when you happen to do the reverse.
The reverse is when you are trying to control the uncontrollable thing (change the other people thinking); and not willing to change for what you can control (your thinking).
 
Relationship with others
Never be serious about the abrasive manner of others because you never know:
About their perspective to interpret what happens;
About their psychological projection;
About their moods.
 
All the above are none of your business.  Give back other people's responsibility for themselves for handling their problems.
 
Ever heard a proverb:
There are only three businesses in life.
My business (well, yes, we can control our business)
Your business (we cannot control other people’s business)
God's business (God has a plan for us, we can only obey and accept, of course.)
 
Therefore,
 
Focus on your own business.  Focus on what matters.
Do your thing.  Don’t waste your energy trying to change opinions.  Remember that you are not the other people’s opinion.

Feel good about yourself through self-affirmation (check with Louise Hay's you-tube channels) as a firewall against an adversary.

Handle adversary with empathy and respect. Don’t judge, condemn or criticize.
Avoid creating the drama triangle.  Do not drag yourself into the drama triangle of others as well.  And then, you get the inner tranquility, peace and calm to get along with others.
 
That is easier said than done.   This work for me.  I hope this can work for you.

Relationship with yourself
The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.
You are the only person who can tell whether you are happy at this moment, right now.
In case of your current pattern drives you to where you seek to go, congratulation.
Or does your current pattern create emotional grief with the discrepancy between what people see of you on the outside and what you are experiencing on the inside?
If so, you are unaware that you are the problem.
The problem is that you have a particular lesson to learn, and you haven’t learned yet.
Once you change your perspective, you will change your feeling, thinking, and words. 
 
How to completely change the repeated pattern from living the life you truly desire?
How to identify your particular life lesson to leap for better life?
Stay Tune to the next part of the series

What causes better or worse relationships with others?
The greatest secret to a great relationship is communication.
Ever heard the easiest thing to do is to criticize others?
And the hardest thing to do is to understand yourself.
What is your worldview?
What do you want to focus on others that provoke conflicts?
What is your drive for acting the way you do?
What is the one particular lesson you shall learn to reverse the repeated tendency?
 
 I invite you to join my journey to transform my relationship with others via creative ways to level up communication.

This Month's Series Is About Communication.
Stay tuned to the next post about the Killer strategies that help me to deal with difficult people.

Women are emotional creatures. No matter whether it is a big or small issue, we are not easy to walk away from the dark emotion zone. A small thing can trigger our sensitivity, amplifying the negative feeling, vulnerable to drowning in the swamp of sadness, irritation, anxiety, and sometimes loneliness.
 
What can make you angry in minutes?
 
I extremely hate critics.  Not all critics carry positive intentions. How to handle your emotions when someone triggers your hot button?

It is our inner self-criticism that makes us sensitive to critics. There may be little voice in our minds with narratives that we are not good enough that are unlikely to do great work. It is a matter of weak self-confidence.
 
Indeed, any opinion is merely information.  When people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right; And when they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong. Perhaps, your best response is to say thank you for your sharing. In this way, we feel calm, tender, and serene. Waking up our subconscious that anything that happens is just right and okay.

Don’t get me wrong regard confidence as a big head or big fat ego. How can you tell if someone is confident or arrogant? 
 
The stupid fools are arrogant as they think they know all the answers.  They preoccupy with a spirit of criticism to focus on weakness, wanting to be always right thus they have been less wrong.
 
An intelligent person is humble and wants to learn from everyone embracing the spirit of approval to focus on strength. Empower the other to feel good.  Stay hungry, stay foolish (quoted from Steve Jobs). They encounter opposite opinions and still can function.
 
Walk away from the fools who create the drama.  Let them howl.

No need to be serious. Surround yourself with people who treat you right and make you laugh. Laughing is the simplest form of nourishment. Life is too short to be anything but to be happy. Like the guys in "Friends" (the popular sitcom in the 90s) to turn misfortune into humor. Walk away from the people pulling you down from yourself. No apologies, no complaints, and no retract. Focus on what matters. 
​To live only in this moment where everything takes place. 
To live every day with consciousness to be happy.

Water never completes with other substances and focuses on nurturing lives.
 
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put it in hot water (quoted from Eleanor Roosevelt)
 
Or a woman is like hot water with the ability to harden an egg or soften a potato.
 
A woman is like water to cut through rocks not because of its power but its tenderness with persistency.
 
No doubt that a woman can do much work as any man. 
Women should be strong like a rock;
Or we are more appealing to be soft and tender.

Susan was a great wife with a son who was three years old. When she was going to deliver her second child, her husband had an affair with his secretary and insisted on divorce. Susan became a single mom without any financial support from his ex-husband. She knew no matter what she said or did and that would be no way to change the heart and mind of her ex-husband to bear the responsibility.  

And then she walked away from the relationship with this man to accept reality responding with kindness and tenderness.  She treated the family of her ex-husband as friends.  Life must go on.  Susan focused her energy on finding jobs, making money, and taking care of her children. 
​
Twenty years later, Susan did a great job building her business.  The family was proud of each other with love.  By the age of 55, Susan met a rich and great guy to ask her to marry him.  And it was a real story.

​A woman is more powerful to use her tenderness when dealing with a situation she can’t control.  Tenderness generates serenity and dissipates anger and anxiety.  At the same time, she never gives up her power to believe that the world is what she made it.  She starts to embrace the courage (strong like a rock) to change what she can control.

My co-worker took maternity leave for more than three months.  She returned office to release my double workload was a good thing.

One day, she found I had misplaced some files causing trouble for her.  She used an abrasive manner yelling at me to address what I was not doing right as if I was an idiot.  It was uncommon she used to amplify some trivial issues for a heated argument. 
Rationally, I told myself to neglect her rudeness.  But the issues kept spiraling in my mind to feel unhappy with negative energy. 
​
My immediate narrative of her abrasive manner was playing the victim. I felt like I was the victim to bear her workload during her long absence led me to get insufficient time to do my jobs well. She indeed should give thanks to me instead of picking any minor mistakes for blaming me. And then, I realized my narrative drove me in the wrong direction. I shouldn’t give up my power. What she thought and said was her choice. How to respond to her action was my choice.

Did you ever think about the fuel of her anger derived from the projection of her issue (psychologically called the dark shadow)?  It was not about you.  It was about her.  She wanted you to be part of it by drowning in the swap of her anger.  The emotions of anger, fear, and anxiety belonged to her and gave back to her.

Next, you imagine a mental picture pulling out this person far away from you towards the rooftop, to the sky, to the universe, and the spot will become so tiny as if it was dust.
​
How can tiny dust do anything to hurt you?

I try to awaken my consciousness and shift my perspective to the great things, great people, great nature, and a great environment around me.
Focus on what matters. Recalling my priorities are health, relationship, money, and career achievement.
I tell myself:
I can, I believe, I promise, I deserve, I choose XXXXX
Think about the world is what I make it. 
Bring back my power and positive energy.

I cannot control the thinking of others.  Letting go of my desires that the world should operate according to my expectation.  Tenderness, calm, and serenity are more powerful to respond to whatever happens in our life.  God has a plan we never know.  I’m where I should be.  All that happens is right.
​
“I understood how much it offended somebody when I tried to force my desires on this person even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it.  
Today I know: It’s called letting go.” (quoted from Charlie Chaplin poem)
 
I love the quote from Reinhold Niebuhr:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

Finally, practice to tell yourself three sentences:

a) I am not my emotion. 
You tell yourself: I am not my anger (if you are preoccupied with the feeling of anger). 
You feel anger towards someone that happened in this particular moment only. It comes and goes.  

b) I embrace my anger.
You tell yourself: I embrace my anger.
We are human and inevitably get this anger emotion occasionally. You don't need to discriminate or attack it.
 
c) When I have this feeling of anger, I choose XXXX.
When I feel angry, I choose to be calm by using tenderness and serenity to accept things I cannot control for inner peace.

​All in all, not everyone responds to the same issue the same.
Ever wonder why some people, some words, or some behavior easily trigger your negative emotions? But others may regard it as no big deal and neglect them easily.
 
Let’s go on a journey to find out why and how to deal with it.  Stay tuned for the next post.

Ever wonder conflicts derived more from similarity than from differences.

​Three years before, my boss fired me after my 5-years tenure.  At that time, I felt shocked, angry, and depressed.  Rationally, I was well aware of move-on to focus on tomorrow and let go of the failure that happened in the past.  However, I couldn’t overcome emotional suffering from that failure as the negative feelings of anger, shame, and sorrow in my heart affected my mental and emotional well-being.  I got help from my mentor by honestly scrutinizing my feelings on that issue and asking myself three questions:

My boss was dissatisfied with me for not being willing to work overtime.  She regarded working overtime as a sign of commitment and dedication.  I prioritized my schedule to spend time with my family.  Relationships with my husband and with my mom are my top priority.  My mom suffered a stroke last year and never could live the same life as before.  I did the right thing to spend time with my mom when she lived well with good memory.  I did the right thing by not allowing someone else to prioritize my schedule.   

​I recognized to walk away from a corporate job to realize my dream by building my own online business was far more interesting for persuading my talent and skills.  

I learned to recognize my weakness to become a better person and achieve my career goal.

At that time, while presuming I was a marketing expert, I never dug into the product knowledge in-dept.  I almost always settled for convenience, not studying the product in-depth for what I was selling.  You can’t create value without proficiency in your particular profession.  I couldn’t deny that I was lazy to waste my time not taking action.  Action is critical for success.  Learning the problem is not enough.  I have to apply it, edit and fine-tune it.  

​We have to learn to accept the things we cannot change (something like what had already happened yesterday).  Let it go.  The courage to change things for better tomorrow is more important.  

​The issue was no longer a failure.  It was a stepping stone pathing my way to growth and success.