Women are emotional creatures. No matter whether it is a big or small issue, we are not easy to walk away from the dark emotion zone. A small thing can trigger our sensitivity, amplifying the negative feeling, vulnerable to drowning in the swamp of sadness, irritation, anxiety, and sometimes loneliness.
 
What can make you angry in minutes?
 
I extremely hate critics.  Not all critics carry positive intentions. How to handle your emotions when someone triggers your hot button?

It is our inner self-criticism that makes us sensitive to critics. There may be little voice in our minds with narratives that we are not good enough that are unlikely to do great work. It is a matter of weak self-confidence.
 
Indeed, any opinion is merely information.  When people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right; And when they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong. Perhaps, your best response is to say thank you for your sharing. In this way, we feel calm, tender, and serene. Waking up our subconscious that anything that happens is just right and okay.

Don’t get me wrong regard confidence as a big head or big fat ego. How can you tell if someone is confident or arrogant? 
 
The stupid fools are arrogant as they think they know all the answers.  They preoccupy with a spirit of criticism to focus on weakness, wanting to be always right thus they have been less wrong.
 
An intelligent person is humble and wants to learn from everyone embracing the spirit of approval to focus on strength. Empower the other to feel good.  Stay hungry, stay foolish (quoted from Steve Jobs). They encounter opposite opinions and still can function.
 
Walk away from the fools who create the drama.  Let them howl.

No need to be serious. Surround yourself with people who treat you right and make you laugh. Laughing is the simplest form of nourishment. Life is too short to be anything but to be happy. Like the guys in "Friends" (the popular sitcom in the 90s) to turn misfortune into humor. Walk away from the people pulling you down from yourself. No apologies, no complaints, and no retract. Focus on what matters. 
​To live only in this moment where everything takes place. 
To live every day with consciousness to be happy.

Water never completes with other substances and focuses on nurturing lives.
 
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put it in hot water (quoted from Eleanor Roosevelt)
 
Or a woman is like hot water with the ability to harden an egg or soften a potato.
 
A woman is like water to cut through rocks not because of its power but its tenderness with persistency.
 
No doubt that a woman can do much work as any man. 
Women should be strong like a rock;
Or we are more appealing to be soft and tender.

Susan was a great wife with a son who was three years old. When she was going to deliver her second child, her husband had an affair with his secretary and insisted on divorce. Susan became a single mom without any financial support from his ex-husband. She knew no matter what she said or did and that would be no way to change the heart and mind of her ex-husband to bear the responsibility.  

And then she walked away from the relationship with this man to accept reality responding with kindness and tenderness.  She treated the family of her ex-husband as friends.  Life must go on.  Susan focused her energy on finding jobs, making money, and taking care of her children. 
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Twenty years later, Susan did a great job building her business.  The family was proud of each other with love.  By the age of 55, Susan met a rich and great guy to ask her to marry him.  And it was a real story.

​A woman is more powerful to use her tenderness when dealing with a situation she can’t control.  Tenderness generates serenity and dissipates anger and anxiety.  At the same time, she never gives up her power to believe that the world is what she made it.  She starts to embrace the courage (strong like a rock) to change what she can control.

My co-worker took maternity leave for more than three months.  She returned office to release my double workload was a good thing.

One day, she found I had misplaced some files causing trouble for her.  She used an abrasive manner yelling at me to address what I was not doing right as if I was an idiot.  It was uncommon she used to amplify some trivial issues for a heated argument. 
Rationally, I told myself to neglect her rudeness.  But the issues kept spiraling in my mind to feel unhappy with negative energy. 
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My immediate narrative of her abrasive manner was playing the victim. I felt like I was the victim to bear her workload during her long absence led me to get insufficient time to do my jobs well. She indeed should give thanks to me instead of picking any minor mistakes for blaming me. And then, I realized my narrative drove me in the wrong direction. I shouldn’t give up my power. What she thought and said was her choice. How to respond to her action was my choice.

Did you ever think about the fuel of her anger derived from the projection of her issue (psychologically called the dark shadow)?  It was not about you.  It was about her.  She wanted you to be part of it by drowning in the swap of her anger.  The emotions of anger, fear, and anxiety belonged to her and gave back to her.

Next, you imagine a mental picture pulling out this person far away from you towards the rooftop, to the sky, to the universe, and the spot will become so tiny as if it was dust.
​
How can tiny dust do anything to hurt you?

I try to awaken my consciousness and shift my perspective to the great things, great people, great nature, and a great environment around me.
Focus on what matters. Recalling my priorities are health, relationship, money, and career achievement.
I tell myself:
I can, I believe, I promise, I deserve, I choose XXXXX
Think about the world is what I make it. 
Bring back my power and positive energy.

I cannot control the thinking of others.  Letting go of my desires that the world should operate according to my expectation.  Tenderness, calm, and serenity are more powerful to respond to whatever happens in our life.  God has a plan we never know.  I’m where I should be.  All that happens is right.
​
“I understood how much it offended somebody when I tried to force my desires on this person even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it.  
Today I know: It’s called letting go.” (quoted from Charlie Chaplin poem)
 
I love the quote from Reinhold Niebuhr:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

Finally, practice to tell yourself three sentences:

a) I am not my emotion. 
You tell yourself: I am not my anger (if you are preoccupied with the feeling of anger). 
You feel anger towards someone that happened in this particular moment only. It comes and goes.  

b) I embrace my anger.
You tell yourself: I embrace my anger.
We are human and inevitably get this anger emotion occasionally. You don't need to discriminate or attack it.
 
c) When I have this feeling of anger, I choose XXXX.
When I feel angry, I choose to be calm by using tenderness and serenity to accept things I cannot control for inner peace.

​All in all, not everyone responds to the same issue the same.
Ever wonder why some people, some words, or some behavior easily trigger your negative emotions? But others may regard it as no big deal and neglect them easily.
 
Let’s go on a journey to find out why and how to deal with it.  Stay tuned for the next post.

Ever wonder conflicts derived more from similarity than from differences.

​Three years before, my boss fired me after my 5-years tenure.  At that time, I felt shocked, angry, and depressed.  Rationally, I was well aware of move-on to focus on tomorrow and let go of the failure that happened in the past.  However, I couldn’t overcome emotional suffering from that failure as the negative feelings of anger, shame, and sorrow in my heart affected my mental and emotional well-being.  I got help from my mentor by honestly scrutinizing my feelings on that issue and asking myself three questions:

My boss was dissatisfied with me for not being willing to work overtime.  She regarded working overtime as a sign of commitment and dedication.  I prioritized my schedule to spend time with my family.  Relationships with my husband and with my mom are my top priority.  My mom suffered a stroke last year and never could live the same life as before.  I did the right thing to spend time with my mom when she lived well with good memory.  I did the right thing by not allowing someone else to prioritize my schedule.   

​I recognized to walk away from a corporate job to realize my dream by building my own online business was far more interesting for persuading my talent and skills.  

I learned to recognize my weakness to become a better person and achieve my career goal.

At that time, while presuming I was a marketing expert, I never dug into the product knowledge in-dept.  I almost always settled for convenience, not studying the product in-depth for what I was selling.  You can’t create value without proficiency in your particular profession.  I couldn’t deny that I was lazy to waste my time not taking action.  Action is critical for success.  Learning the problem is not enough.  I have to apply it, edit and fine-tune it.  

​We have to learn to accept the things we cannot change (something like what had already happened yesterday).  Let it go.  The courage to change things for better tomorrow is more important.  

​The issue was no longer a failure.  It was a stepping stone pathing my way to growth and success.  

What is a toxic relationship?
It is when you overwhelm with negative feelings toward your spouse and trigger your anger and emotions.  You feel like he is

• Irresponsible
• Disrespectful
• Neglect you to pay more attention to someone else or something else
• Embrace bad habits

And so on…
 
Venting out the emotions to someone else or divorce is not the solution.  The repeated pattern will carry on.  Is there any way to get over the repeated pattern? 

When you start to love yourself 
respect yourself
trust yourself
honest to yourself
You will surprise the relationship with others will change.  

Have you respected your needs and feelings anywhere and anytime?
​
Ever happen in some circumstances where your heart says no, but you decide to say yes, instead.  You never reject others because you want to cope with the expectation of someone else.  If you care enough to respect your needs, you will respect others to make their choice for their needs.  Even if that choice is not what you expected, you will never feel angry.
 
You respect yourself, and you will respect others, and others will respect you.
If you never respect yourself, and you won’t respect others, and others won’t respect you.
 
Use respect to replace disagreement.

You trust yourself to do the right thing that is best for yourself.  Same as you trust that your spouse will do the right thing for himself.
 
For instance, if he is an alcoholic, you trust he is doing the right thing for himself as this may be his way to release his pressure or release the pain from his mental health.
 
Use the trust to replace judging.

You are honest with yourself about who you are and being authentic. You may look weird from the lens of the community.

• I like this and dislike that
• I choose this and reject that
• I do this and won’t do that 

You cover your true self to fit in the expectation of others to be the stereotype of a widely accepted person but preoccupy with anguish and emotional suffering.  When you start loving yourself, you feel good about yourself to live as an authentic being.
 
Instead of trying to change the person, you accept who he is.  You can recognize that emotional pain and grief are just warnings for him not to live against his authentic truth.

You and your spouse feel comfortable with each other. There is no covering, no role-playing, no lies, no imitation.

Allow I’m imperfect.
Allow I’m vulnerable.
Allow I’ve plenty of weakness.
Allow I have made stupid mistakes.
 
As I allow myself for those human weaknesses, so do I understand you will get those weaknesses as well.  When something goes wrong, I will never blame myself or blame you.
 
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All in all, the toxic substances in a relationship such as hate, anger, and judging will replace by respect, trust, support, and love.
 
You know what?  Who is willing to abandon such kind of beautiful person?

​You may argue that it is not so simple. Well, yes, of course. It's a starting point for building your love story. 

You tell yourself the response is: Thank you for your sharing.
 

​Our life is like a finite number of heartbeats.
You can only spend the time and cannot save it for future use.
If so, the question is how to spend your time wisely?
 
It would be great if we always spend time in ways to make us happy.
Happiness is expecting the joyful time to come.
Do you remember what is the joyful mood to expect coming time before Christmas, before the vacation, before the newborn baby?
 
Yesterday was history.  If you felt depressed and sad about what had happened yesterday, it was as if you would die today without a future.
Tomorrow is a mystery.  Ever wonder if you worry about what may happen tomorrow as if you will live forever.
 
The more important is today.
Today to act
to go, to enjoy, to love, to live.
 
Let go of self-blame, regret, and sadness.
Embrace with love, compassion, gratefulness, and abundance.
Believe that the best is yet to come.
 
Which one is better?
“I’m doing terrible, but I’m living.”
or
“I’m living, and I’m doing great.”

​Beware what game you are playing.
Never try to play the victim.

Ever wonder happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Whatever experience makes you angry, do one thing: put all feelings aside and forget it.  Forget means to forgive.  Otherwise, you will pay a high price to sacrifice your health.

My mom suffered from a stroke caused by diabetes and hypertension as she used to eat fatty and processed food for a long time.  What made her obsessed with food (especially sweetie food)?  The key reason was her unhappiness as she hardly could feel the sweetie from her life that preoccupied her emotions with complaints and anger to drive her crazy or depression.
 
It is so true that:
Your belief becomes your feeling;
Your feeling becomes your action;
Your action becomes your character;
Your character becomes your habit;
Your habit becomes your destiny.
 
What applied to my mom was that:
My mom got the belief that she was the victim;
Her thought generated anger and sadness;
Such negative emotion made her appear judging and picky;
And she felt to eat the sweet food could make her happier;
Repeated pattern to feel sad and choosing to eat the unhealthy food for too long;
And the culminated poison broke down her health physically and mentally.

Change the thought, change the feeling, change the perspective, change the destiny.