There are three people in the meeting room for the business meeting.
Samuel is watching the clock. It’s 7 pm, one hour of overtime already. He is late back home to catch up on the birthday dinner of his son.
Sam: Ada, I’m sorry!  I have to go now.
Ada: Sam, you know what?  Our business is going through a hard time.  How’s your sales status for this month? 
Sam: I did push the customer to confirm the order.
Ada: You’re not pushing hard enough.  Close the sales is the point.
 
You can guess Ada decides to fire Sam.
​
Ada turns to the product design engineer.
Ada: Peter, you worked on this project for nearly a year. When can we launch this product?
Peter: There are plenty of technical issues not yet fixed.
Ada:  No more delay!  We don’t need to make everything perfect before launching the product.  I need the product ready in next month.

Ada is an achiever (type 2 of enneagram). 
Recap the character trait and worldview of an achiever in part 1.

​You deeply immerse yourself in performing the role to be the person you learn to be, with a clear roadmap about the task and what to achieve for self-assertion.  Until one day, you realize the discrepancy between your visible swagger and invisible pain.

​You put enormous effort in your whole life to be a champion.  The point is to win.  However, our life is not supposed to operate in a way that it is whether you win or lose.  How unlikely you will win all the time.  If you love yourself, you don’t need to make your self-assertion through the achievement of magnificent projects. 

Two years before, Tom was an executive director at a large corporation.
He enjoyed every privilege of being a high-position executive, such as traveling by private jet, perfect hospitality arrangements, and people rushing to serve him a ceramic cup of coffee.  One day, he no longer held this high position, the authority had gone, and all the privileges disappeared.  Even if he wanted a cup of coffee, he could only self-serve a coffee with a paper cup.

Power, authority, and position are not static without change forever.
If you love your true self (instead of love the role), you will be grateful no matter if others serve you the coffee with a ceramic cup or a paper cup.
 
You are well aware that:
You are not a title on a name card;
You are not merely a role.
You are an authentic being, no matter win or lose.
Think about learning to lose
When you realize there is nothing to lose anymore, you are free.

​Get out of the emotional jail of self-deception. When you communicate with others, add more respect and empathy.  

​Treat people with kindness and empathy.
Respect for others no matter who they are.
Team up to help each other.

​Empower others to achieve more than they think they can do
Vs.
Power over the other to help you to achieve your task.

Stay tuned to the next post about the romantic type (enneagram #4)

#1. What causes better and worse relationships with others
​#2 The killer strategies to handle difficult people
​#3 Creative way to level up communication
      Perfectionist (part 1 and 2)
      Giver (part 1 and 2)
      Achiever (part 1 and 2)

​What is your perfect day all about?
My perfect day is included and not limited to:
Sunshine, surrounded by natural wonders.
Birds, flowers, green smell,
Full English breakfast, walk a dog.
Greeting with smiling faces, relax.
Do the work I love, gossip with friends, laughing.
Dinner with family, enjoy delicious food.
Read a book, feel good with fulfillment.
Have a good night's sleep.
​
Today is a beautiful day!

The Character
John is a sales manager, target-oriented, and he plays to win. Quality is not the point. He cares more about closing deals and meeting quota.
 
David would complete all his homework on time, do all the studying, and perform very well in testing and examinations in school.  He doesn’t need his mother or teacher to push him to study.   He will figure out his schedule and determine to complete everything on schedule.
 
Ada graduated from a famous university and climbed fast on the corporate ladder to become the director of a big company.  She likes to dress smartly for work, is good at social skills, and knows how to catch the attention of the top management.
 
The achiever is the shining star on the stage.
They seek authority approval, enjoy the spotlight, and play to win.
 
They combine the flavor of charming, practical, and supreme confidence.
 
Worldview and the Drive
 
They want to win.
The drive is completing tasks and getting the work done.
 
They want to be affirmed, to distinguish themselves from others, to have attention, and to be admired by others.   There is that sense of playing their role as an inner worth through achievements.   Positively speaking, they carry all the positive traits such as charming, ambitious, competent, and energetic that drive them to produce remarkable achievements.
 
They are good at handling problems with positive ideas to speed up the work done.
 
 Communication Tension
 
As they want to win, they tend to focus on removing the weak link.
 
While you are running by the heel, they are running by the toes.  They are working fast and impatiently.  As winning is the point, they tend to appear selfish, practical, lacking compassion, empathy, or concern for others.    
 
Ada is an achiever who cares more about the company's benefit at the expense of the customer's benefits.  Achieving the sales target is her task which supposes why she is here.  She is an aggressive person to raise different conflicts with her colleagues.
 
From her perspective point of view, other people are
Not working hard enough
Not fast enough
Not smart enough
Not good enough
 
What will you feel if you work with her?

What does a giver want to focus on others that provoke disputes? How to release the communication tension?
 
By using an enneagram as a tool, observing the finding from my experience with the real stories, that help me to come up with the insights that work for me to build great relationships with others.
 
Let's recap the character traits and the story in part 1. 
​
How to get along with the giver?

a) They need praise and compliments as much as you do.
b) Your compliments need to be clear and specific. 
c) Praise for their kind intention instead of the actual work they had done. For instance, if your husband is a giver who helps you with the chores, you can praise him for his effort to share your burden rather than appreciate his cleaning work.

You may feel the giver has disparaged your skill as if you can’t do it on your own.  If so, say no to keep a healthy boundary by using the communication method of yes => no =>yes.
 
Yes  (appreciate the positive intention)
No   (tell your bottom line and speak nicely)
Yes  (make suggestion or promise).

Recap the story:

One day, Susan goes shopping and buys plenty of dresses and pants for the family. When Mandy (her daughter) returns home, she shows the dress that she buys for her.

Mandy: 
OMG! The dress looks awful. You don’t know fashion. I like to buy the clothing by myself.
Susan:
I saw you wearing the same dress every day, never go shopping to buy new clothing. What I buy for you is the work of a well-known designer and is costly. You don’t appreciate your mom and are being so rude.  OK, throw it away.

​Susan burst into tears.

Mandy's response to her mom can be like this:
(Yes) I’m so busy squeezing the time to buy my clothing, and you have bought one for me.  Thank you, Mom!
(No) However, I confess my taste is a bit ridiculous. That is the reason why I always wear the same dress. It's not easy to find an outfit that can match my taste and style.
(Yes) I love shopping. Maybe next time we will go shopping together to buy the clothing.

​If you are a giver,
No doubt you are kind and generous to care for others. At the same time, you are unaware you are playing the role of God, something like a mother loves her children at the expense of controlling them in every aspect of their life. 
You tend to believe that no one will know how to love others better than you do.

 Ever heard people say that:
Your feeling becomes your thinking. 
Your thinking becomes your words. 
Your words become your action.
Your actions become your result.
And this will become your destiny.
 
Once you change your perspective, you will change your feeling, thinking, and words. 
 
Change the perspective:  humble vs. pride

The givers are so generous.  They are humble, aren’t they?  Not really!
They try to play the role of God in pride as if they know all the answers.
Learning to be humble is avoiding being a rescuer by respecting others and yourself.

Respect others
 
Everyone is different and has the right to choose what they want, to realize that you would never know everything to decide for others.   Being humble is to respect the choice of others because you will not know all the answers. Even if you want to help, please ask for permission.
 
Respect yourself
 
No one has the responsibility to care about you.  In reality, most people are just thinking about themselves.  If you care so much about whether others care for you, you will succumb to appeasing others.  Remember that at the end of the day, almost nothing is belonged to you.  Do your very best to make yourself happy.  Be yourself. Respect yourself.

What is a healthy boundary? 
When you find your friend is starving, you can ask him for dinner together.  Your friend will feel cozy and warm via your caring attitude.  And you don’t need to help him pay the home rent and buy him food daily.
 
Supporter vs. Rescuer
 
If you are a mom, you love your child.  What will you do for your children:
You do everything for the child by yourself (Mom A); or
Allow the child to learn how to take responsibility for herself (Mom B).
 
Mom A: 
The mom didn’t allow the child to wash dishes to prevent she broke the dishes up.  The child never got a chance to participate in cooking because she feared the child would burn herself.  When the child tried to wash his bag, her mom washed it for her as she worried the bag would not clean enough after washing.
 
The child presumed that there was a lot of things she couldn’t handle by herself.
 
Mom B:
She taught her child how to wash the clothes to make it clean;
How to wash the dishes to prevent breaking them;
How to hold the hot food without burning herself.
 
The child learned how to take responsibility for herself in her daily life.

​What does a giver want to focus on others that provoke conflicts? How to release the communication tension?
 
By using an enneagram as a tool, observing the finding from my experience with the real stories, that help me to come up with the insights that work for me to build great relationships with others.
 
The Giver (Enneagram / #2. The Giver)

The Character
Susan loves to do a lot of sweet things.   She is good at making other people feel warm and cozy such as writing a touching note on the cupcake wrapper for her friends.
 
Jenny remembers the birthday of her parents, friends, relatives, and even her neighbor.  She would bake cookies and buy wonderful birthday presents to celebrate.
 
Amy cooks more than enough food for the family as she will take the food for the homeless guys and the underprivileged children.
 
They want to take care of the well-being of everybody around them, give their love to express their feelings, help others, and desire for others to respond to them in return.
 
World view and drive
They want to be needed
The drive is love. 
They want others to like them, always advocating for love.  No doubt they have big hearts decent in the human spirit.  From their perspective, there is no reason to reject their love.  They tell themselves: I love you so much that you should regard me as the important person in your world.  You will cut them deeply if you don’t respond to their love.  
Expressing great love sounds pretty.  Everyone would like someone to care for them with warmth and love. With no surprise, they can easily make friends with others and attract people to love and like them.
 
Communication Tension
 
As they want to be needed, they tend to focus on the insufficiency of others.
They almost always regard themselves as rescuers to take over the responsibilities of others without asking permission, for the feeling of being superior to be needed.
 
The Story
 
One day, Susan goes shopping and buys plenty of dresses and pants for the family. When Mandy (her daughter) returns home, she shows the dress that she buys for her.

Mandy:  OMG! The dress looks awful. You don’t know fashion. I like to buy the clothing by myself.
Susan: I saw you wearing the same dress every day, never go shopping to buy new clothing. What I buy for you is the work of a well-known designer and is costly. You are being so rude!  OK, throw it away.

She burst into tears.

That dress isn't bad. Mandy doesn't mean to hurt her mom. She just doesn't like the outfit. 

​No doubt the givers are kind and generous to care for others. At the same time, they are unaware they are playing the role of God, something like a mother loves her children at the expense of controlling them in every aspect of their life. 
They tend to believe that no one will know how to love you better than they do.

​How to communicate with the giver with a healthy boundary?
If you are a giver, what is your particular lesson to learn? 
Stay tuned to the upcoming article for part 2 about the giver.

What does a perfectionist want to focus on others that provoke conflicts? How to release the communication tension?
 
By using an enneagram as a tool, observing the finding from my experience with the real stories, that help me to come up with the insights that work for me to build great relationships with others.

​How about if your coworker or your parents are perfectionists with who you can’t avoid interacting?  You can’t walk away every time where there is conflict.  With family, you cannot always run from the issue. 

​Yes, you feel hurt and gravitate towards backtalk immediately.
Pause from the verbal stimulus and try to understand they are highly disciplined people carrying good intentions to fix the wrongs through improvement.  They won't accept different ideas other than their beliefs and demand others to fit in their ideal rules.  A heated argument only fuels the anger of both sides and worsens the situation.
 
How to respond?  Tell them:  Thank you for your sharing.  It may sound sarcastic, and at least the conversation is over.

​Back to the story, my immediate narrative of her abrasive manner was to play the victim. I felt like I was the victim to bear her workload during her long absence led me to get insufficient time to do my jobs well. She indeed should give thanks to me instead of picking any minor mistakes for blaming me.  When I thought I was a victim, I would naturally try to find a persecutor.  And then, I realized what was the point to give up my power. What she thought and said was her choice. How to respond to her behavior was my choice.
It is your story, not my story.

​Recap the story:

Jen was my co-worker who took maternity leave for more than three months.  One day, she found I had misplaced some files causing trouble for her.  She used an abrasive manner yelling at me to address what I was not doing right as if I was an idiot.

Jen: Do you miss out save all the (digital) files in the folder?
Me:  I did save all the files. 
Jen: No, you should save files A, B, C, and D.  You miss out save file A.
Me: I had saved files B, C, and D. File A was redundant.  What is the meaning of saving two same files together?
Jen:  Starting from the first day of work, my boss told me I should save all A, B, C, and D files.

She amplified the issue by raising her voice and yelling at me. 

Me: What's wrong with you?  I can’t understand what is the big deal about this issue? 
Jen: You think this issue has no problem, that issue has no problem, nothing has a problem.
​
Both she and I were angry.  We never talked with each other over the whole day.

(Yes) I know the workflow is from the company for everyone to follow that keep going for years.  Breaking the norm may arise unforeseen problem to others. 

(No) Frankly speaking, finger pointing make me uncomfortable.  I simply think it doesn’t make sense to make simple work complicated.  I’m busy in the middle of completing my urgent work right now.  Let’s discuss tomorrow to go through the current workflow in order to find out solution.   (Speak nicely, don’t judge, make other person feels comfortable so that she will accept your point easier.)
 
(Yes) I will prepare more information for discussion. Let’s talk tomorrow. (Suggestion and promise)

adrenaline stumbles up and down and won’t make you feel good.
 
Ever heard people say that:
Your feeling becomes your thinking. 
Your thinking becomes your words. 
Your words become your action.
Your actions become your result.
And this will become your destiny.
 
Once you change your perspective, you will change your feeling, thinking, and words. 
 
Change the perspective:  Forgiveness vs. correctness

1. Learn to forgive  
Forgive the world is imperfect.
Forgive people are imperfect.
Forgive you are imperfect.
Forgive you can be all wrong. 
 
Everyone would make mistakes.  You and I would also make mistakes. The ones who made a bad decision might because they want to cut corner. It might because they do such things out of convenience.  Or it might simply because they are stupid.  They would learn the lesson and become smarter next time

2. I could be all wrong

​Don’t create the drama triangle as a persecutor.
​
The communication conflict between two persons is about each of them regarding the other person is wrong.  It is about our certainty of rightness that makes heated arguments heated.  How unlikely you’re always right, and I’m always wrong.  When people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right; And when they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.  If the methods you’ve used to judge other people, to make decisions have been helping you get exactly what you seek, congratulations.  In fact, how unlikely you know all the answers.  Respect there’s a chance the other people to work on their filers, their habits and their instincts.  A rock climber doesn’t see a steep slope the same way an elderly person does.  In fact, there are many things where right or wrong are relative, perhaps merely based on perspective. 

When you encounter a situation that triggers your anger, try to calm down your emotions to tell yourself: I could be all wrong. 

And after you convey your points, and ask: what do you think?

What does a perfectionist want to focus on others that provoke conflicts? How to release the communication tension?
 
By using an enneagram as a tool, observing the finding from my experience with the real stories, that help me to come up with the insights that work for me to build great relationships with others.
 
The Character
My mom keeps the house perfectly clean without any dust on the furniture. Everything organizes so well that she regards it a big deal if anyone tries to misplace the stuff, not in the exact original position. She keeps focusing on pinpointing anything imperfect that drives me crazy.

Susan can't tolerate making grammatical mistakes and used to pick grammatical errors whenever she reads articles or emails. 

Mandy feels angry with her coworkers when they fail to follow all the steps accurately.  If the rule is ten steps, you should not make it more than or less than ten steps.

Worldview and Drive
What do they want?  They want to be correct.
The drive is anger.  
 
They believe the world operates as an ideal framework of standards or rules upon people to follow.  They want to fix the wrong and improve everything consistent with their ideals.  They want to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone. 

People may describe them as stubborn and picky.  A simple issue will trigger a heated argument, and they will never back off. 

Subjective vs. Objective
While they appear stubborn, picky, and subjective on the surface, they are much more objective than you think.  They did not set up the standards and rules by themselves.  Objectively, they have learned the rules from outside (authority, parents or schools) about all those standards.  They’re picky with consistent standards and rarely change their preferences frequently in response to who is presenting to them or when their mood changes.

Communication Tension
They are perfectionists and focus on the imperfect aspect of others.
I am right, and you are wrong. 
Anger drives them to complain, critique, and judge.
 
My mom would be mad at me merely because I had not put the spoon back in the drawer after dinner.  A heated argument came after as she insisted on her point about correctness and blamed me as if I couldn't do anything right.  However, it is how unlikely everyone would see the world the same way. 

Perfectionists feel angry when they can’t get others to do what they consider correct. And then, they push harder, throw out tantrums, and even shout.  Studies by research that 55 percent of communication is conveyed through facial expressions, gestures and posture, 38 percent is conveyed through tone and only 7 percent comes through words. In other words, it is not about what you said but about how you say it.  The finger-pointing attitude causes the other side responds with even more resistance, triggering the defensive mode and shutting you out.  At the moment of the heated argument, both sides are sure the other person is the wrong one. 

If you are a perfectionist, some of your friends have concluded it is not just worth disagreeing with you, and others have concluded it’s not even worth talking to you, since people never know when a topic will lead to a controversy.

How about if your coworker or your parents are perfectionists with who you can’t avoid interacting?  You can’t walk away every time where there is conflict.  With family, you cannot always run from the issue.

The Story
Jen was my co-worker who took maternity leave for more than three months.  One day, she found I had misplaced some files causing trouble for her.  She used an abrasive manner yelling at me to address what I was not doing right as if I was an idiot.

Jen: Do you miss out save all the (digital) files in the computer folder?
Me:  I did save all the files. 
Jen: No, you should save files A, B, C, and D.  You miss out save file A.
Me: I had saved files B, C, and D. File A was redundant. 
What is the meaning of saving two same files together?
Jen:  Starting from the first day of work, my boss told me I should save all A, B, C, and D files.

She amplified the issue by raising her voice and yelling at me. 

Me: What's wrong with you?  I can’t understand what is the big deal about this issue? 
Jen: You think this issue has no problem, that issue has no problem, nothing has a problem.
​
Both she and I were angry.  We never talked with each other over the whole day.
 
How to deal with Jen (a perfectionist)?
If you are a perfectionist, what is the particular lesson that helps you to leap for a better life?
 
Stay tuned to the Perfectionist Part. 2

There will be stimuli from the other’s words and behavior that make you angry, sad, or resentful.  Someone is offensive, finger-pointing, and harassing you.  You may think: What’s wrong with you?
 
Controllable vs. Uncontrollable
Your thinking in your mind is controllable.
The thinking in the mind of the other person is uncontrollable.
 
The tragedy is when you happen to do the reverse.
The reverse is when you are trying to control the uncontrollable thing (change the other people thinking); and not willing to change for what you can control (your thinking).
 
Relationship with others
Never be serious about the abrasive manner of others because you never know:
About their perspective to interpret what happens;
About their psychological projection;
About their moods.
 
All the above are none of your business.  Give back other people's responsibility for themselves for handling their problems.
 
Ever heard a proverb:
There are only three businesses in life.
My business (well, yes, we can control our business)
Your business (we cannot control other people’s business)
God's business (God has a plan for us, we can only obey and accept, of course.)
 
Therefore,
 
Focus on your own business.  Focus on what matters.
Do your thing.  Don’t waste your energy trying to change opinions.  Remember that you are not the other people’s opinion.

Feel good about yourself through self-affirmation (check with Louise Hay's you-tube channels) as a firewall against an adversary.

Handle adversary with empathy and respect. Don’t judge, condemn or criticize.
Avoid creating the drama triangle.  Do not drag yourself into the drama triangle of others as well.  And then, you get the inner tranquility, peace and calm to get along with others.
 
That is easier said than done.   This work for me.  I hope this can work for you.

Relationship with yourself
The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.
You are the only person who can tell whether you are happy at this moment, right now.
In case of your current pattern drives you to where you seek to go, congratulation.
Or does your current pattern create emotional grief with the discrepancy between what people see of you on the outside and what you are experiencing on the inside?
If so, you are unaware that you are the problem.
The problem is that you have a particular lesson to learn, and you haven’t learned yet.
Once you change your perspective, you will change your feeling, thinking, and words. 
 
How to completely change the repeated pattern from living the life you truly desire?
How to identify your particular life lesson to leap for better life?
Stay Tune to the next part of the series

What causes better or worse relationships with others?
The greatest secret to a great relationship is communication.
Ever heard the easiest thing to do is to criticize others?
And the hardest thing to do is to understand yourself.
What is your worldview?
What do you want to focus on others that provoke conflicts?
What is your drive for acting the way you do?
What is the one particular lesson you shall learn to reverse the repeated tendency?
 
 I invite you to join my journey to transform my relationship with others via creative ways to level up communication.

This Month's Series Is About Communication.
Stay tuned to the next post about the Killer strategies that help me to deal with difficult people.

Women are emotional creatures. No matter whether it is a big or small issue, we are not easy to walk away from the dark emotion zone. A small thing can trigger our sensitivity, amplifying the negative feeling, vulnerable to drowning in the swamp of sadness, irritation, anxiety, and sometimes loneliness.
 
What can make you angry in minutes?
 
I extremely hate critics.  Not all critics carry positive intentions. How to handle your emotions when someone triggers your hot button?

It is our inner self-criticism that makes us sensitive to critics. There may be little voice in our minds with narratives that we are not good enough that are unlikely to do great work. It is a matter of weak self-confidence.
 
Indeed, any opinion is merely information.  When people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right; And when they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong. Perhaps, your best response is to say thank you for your sharing. In this way, we feel calm, tender, and serene. Waking up our subconscious that anything that happens is just right and okay.

Don’t get me wrong regard confidence as a big head or big fat ego. How can you tell if someone is confident or arrogant? 
 
The stupid fools are arrogant as they think they know all the answers.  They preoccupy with a spirit of criticism to focus on weakness, wanting to be always right thus they have been less wrong.
 
An intelligent person is humble and wants to learn from everyone embracing the spirit of approval to focus on strength. Empower the other to feel good.  Stay hungry, stay foolish (quoted from Steve Jobs). They encounter opposite opinions and still can function.
 
Walk away from the fools who create the drama.  Let them howl.

No need to be serious. Surround yourself with people who treat you right and make you laugh. Laughing is the simplest form of nourishment. Life is too short to be anything but to be happy. Like the guys in "Friends" (the popular sitcom in the 90s) to turn misfortune into humor. Walk away from the people pulling you down from yourself. No apologies, no complaints, and no retract. Focus on what matters. 
​To live only in this moment where everything takes place. 
To live every day with consciousness to be happy.