Women Blossom Blog
Women Blossom Blog
Ever wonder there must be something that can trigger your hot button instantly.
Think carefully about what’d happened in the past that could stir up your negative emotion intensely. I couldn't control my flame when I knew that..
OMG! It’s a matter of jealousy. I always like to compare myself with someone else. How did other people think about me? Did they respect me and like me? It seems like my self-worth requires other people to define or judge. The emotion that appears on the surface is angry. The underlying core emotion is fear or insecurity. I fear the other person will take away the thing that is supposed to be mine. You know what? The root cause was implanted during my childhood when my mom always tried to remind me that I was not good enough. What did I want in my childhood life? What can I do my best to my children not to repeat my pattern? Words carry weight. It’s harmful to criticize the child with disappointment and comparison to say something like:
Instead, don’t let a single day go by without telling the kids:
I know you can do this
I believe in you
I trust you
I’m proud of you
You make me happy
I like it when you do such good thing
I’m grateful for you
I love you
You are a good child because…..
Do you know that you can’t do that in last year and now you can make it!
You do it by yourself! Good job.
I've a wounded inner child inside my heart. I'm so happy my children are the angels to allow me to get my second childhood...
What to do when you lose your job, suffer business failure, or suddenly your husband asks for a divorce? Susan is my friend. Ten years before, she was 45 years old, had fallen from the top of a corporate ladder who struggled to survive from depression, bankruptcy, and divorce. What is her situation now? She has her own business with seven figures in revenue. How to turnaround from defeat to success? She shared her insights that had helped me a lot.
1. Celebrate It
On the day she got fired, she went to enjoy a perfect lunch in her most beloved restaurant. Ever wonder you got fire was not a coincidence of bad luck but somewhat the job or the boss you’d disliked for a long time. Ironically, you might unaware you hated your bosses in your subconscious mind. But they did aware of it more than you do. Nothing worth looking back on except for learning to understand yourself.
The bad thing did happen. Let's celebrate! It can be a relief. Boost up the energy to move on.
2. Appreciate Yourself
Don’t beat yourself up with the self-blame. Catch yourself on what you had done right, instead of what you had done wrong. In a few years before, when I got fired, I appreciated myself for what I had contributed to the company such as:
Recognized and appreciated my strengths such as:
When you appreciate yourself, you build up your self-worth to make a solid ground with confidence. We connect with our inner power to remind ourselves that we can deal with all sorts of challenges.
3. Regard The Setback As Blessing
Every obstacle or setback is the gift arrange by God (or the universe) to teach us. The same pattern would repeat until we have learned, finally. Ever wonder when the student is ready, the teacher will find you (proverb).
I got fired multiple times that urged me to re-examine the root cause. Most of the time, the question itself had hidden the answer. The question I asked myself was: What bordering me most during my career life?
And then, I realized that my issue was jealousy and thirst for approval from the authority. The core emotion was my fear of not being good enough. That was the reason why..
My core issue is about dealing with jealousy and low self-worth. The learning is about self-love.
4. Daily Mantras
Motivate yourself through daily mantras. Your mind doesn’t know what your narrative is real or not. Very often, our brain is preoccupied with negativity from storing the memory of past failures. We need to feed our minds with positive energy every day.
My mantras are:
When you say it, close your eye to feel it, to believe in it. You don’t get what you want. You get what you feel.
5. Create Value
Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant (Robert Louis Stevenson). How to plant the seeds? The answer is helping those people who want the same thing as you:
You might hear people tell you there are three ways to be successful:
The most effective way is to team up with others. Money follows joy. A joyful person is influential, spreading out the love and positive energy upon others. Good people attract good people to help each other. The magic is the whole universe is conspired on your side to make your success.
I’m where I should be.
Never too early nor too late.
Star and moon can shine when it’s their time.
Cheers. Good Luck!
Saving is a positive financial habit without denial. I won’t be panic if I keep a certain amount of money as a safety net to secure the cash flow in case of emergency or unexpected job loss. My relation with money is more on saving. It sounds risky to me if spending (or investing) the earned money to buy stock (in the financial market) or buy a house with a mortgage. Instead, I feel good to see my bank account grow via saving, month after month. When I first read the following “parable of the three servants” from Bible, I was confused. The story liked that:
A man gave five bags of silver to one, two bags of silver to another, and one bag of silver to the last before he went on a long trip. After a long time, the man returned from his trip and called the servants to give an account of how they had used his money. Two of the three servants had invested the money and earned more. The man praised these two servants had handled this small amount well, and he would give them more responsibilities.
And the servant who received the one bag of silver dug a hole in the ground and hid the money. The master was furious and said, “take the money from this servant and give it to the one with the ten bags of silver. To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away.”
I was confused. Why did that servant sound like doing something very wrong?
I get it. Money is not just money. Money is a metaphor to mean the asserts that are given by God to include our skills, body, talents, and all our being. Simply speaking, there are two types of assets: money and intelligence (or wisdom). If you own a lot of money without intelligence, you will eventually lose all your money. If you have wisdom, the money will take care of itself to follow. It is easy to get money, hard to get intelligence (or wisdom).
Why are we so hard to get the intelligence or wisdom?
It’s because we may inevitably do plenty of wrong things before we finally learn to do the right thing. When we do the wrong things, we will feel the pain. Ever wonder we fear the pain more than enjoy the gain. When the pain and gain fight with each other, the intention to avoid pain almost always wins.
One day, I bought a stock, and the price rose by 10%. I sold out the shares to secure the profit. And then the stock price continued to push up 50%. My hubby blamed me for my stupidity, and a big fight came after. It seemed like a half glass water story that happened in real life. Why did I so angry at that moment? There was no money loss and just earned less. Conversely, if I sold out the shares, lost 30% profit, and then the stock price further dropped 50%. I won’t feel so bad as I’d avoided an extensive money loss.
Imagine if you already get everything in your life. You’re rich, healthy, smart, and have a perfect relationship with your husband, parents, and children. Will you feel the pain for the loss of a small amount of money or jealous of others? No, you won’t.
The point is how to improve ourselves and make contributions to others. If you apply this concept to the financial aspect, your strength is like a light bulb. You see how that light bulb can benefit lots of people, know how to make use of these benefits in a winsome way, and understand how to build a fortune that can deliver those benefits in a way that makes a profit.
To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away (parables of the three servants, Matthew 25:14–30 )
I almost always don’t stay true to myself. One day, my coworker invited me to her birthday party. I said yes, but I didn’t want to join. On her birthday, I tried to figure out plenty of reasons to explain my absence.
We learned as early as our childhood to grow into a good person. The definition of being a good guy seems like is to fulfill the expectation of other people. As time goes by, we program ourselves to fit-in the role we suppose to be. Under this condition, we bear a great deal of pressure and suppress our emotions to avoid adversaries. Some people might shift their anger to those they deem weaker such as children, women, and subordinate staff.
I know I won’t be happy if everyone dislikes me;
but what’s the point if everyone likes me, but I dislike myself?
How do you respond under pressure at some point in your life? If you get the following signs means you are not authentic to yourself to a certain extent.
Ever wonder the opposite desires are fighting with each other in our mind. We’re so tired of working between balancing and off-balancing.
I like it. I dislike it.
The other people like it. The other people don’t like it.
I’m okay. I’m not okay.
I’m right. I may be wrong.
I’ll win. I’ll lose.
So, what can we do about this? Practice mindfulness. How to connect with your inner-self so that you can clarify your thoughts, feelings, and intentions? Asking yourself the following questions:
The journey helps you to get your most pure inner child to be seen. Whatever the answers are, ensure you appreciate who you are and tell yourself that you have already worked very hard and done very well. Focus on what matters most to you. Love yourself with the courage of being disliked by others.
Easier said than done, of course. It takes effort and worthwhile.
Parents were the first people that we knew and interacted with when we were born in this world. We inevitably used to cope with their expectations and were carried away by their emotions. Ever wonder our relationship with our parents would subconsciously affect our marital relationship and our relationship with our children.
While people said that be true to yourselves, it sounds no doubt for argument. The dilemma that applies to the relationship with my mom is a bit tricky. If I insist on doing the right thing for me, but my mom opposes me to do. She’ll upset (play victim). I won’t be happy to overwhelm with self-blame to hurt my mom. If I appease her to do what she wants me to do out of obligation, I won’t be happy, either.
How to deal with this dilemma? The key is communication. A relationship is about communication.
1. Beware of Body Language
During a heated argument with my mom, I felt angry was not about what she said. It was about how she said it, and vice versa. Our body language (tone, gesture, sound level) delivers our hidden message. So did the body language from others trigger our emotions. When I raise my voice to shout for carrying out my point, my mom felt like I was trying to challenge her motherhood authority with humiliation. When she was on the flame of anger, she would never listen but defense to prove I was the wrong one.
Aware of our body language that can hurt others. I have to remind myself not to respond immediately from anger. Pause a few seconds, manage my emotions before reacting. And then talk to my mom in a way to assert her positive intention. Try to settle her emotional feeling before giving feedback.
2. Identify the Hot Button
My mom is a perfectionist. I can’t understand why she regard the vase is not putting back to the exact original position after cleaning by other person is a big deal. She keeps focusing on the imperfect aspect made me feel annoying. Dealing with her drive me crazy to feel frustrating, annoying, and difficult. She is my mom, I love her. Enneagram helps me to understand her drive of behavior and change my perspective to deal with her. Our relationship improves.
I realize from enneagram that anger is her drive. She wants to be right, to be consistent with her ideals of standards beyond criticism. She wants to correct others striving for improvement. She is picky and not a difficult person.
What is the difference between picky and difficult?
Picky embrace consistent preferences and standards. Difficult people change their preferences frequently, and often in response to who is presenting to them or the mood they’re in.
My mom is picky with consistent preferences and standards. She doesn’t mean she has the intention to make me feel miserable by her motherhood authority. When she insists on her point what she disagrees with, I understand there will be no way to change her mind. I learn to avoid starting the argument with her and move to change the subject instead. By the way, there are many things where right or wrong are relative, perhaps merely based on perspective. I don’t feel so much angry with her pickiness anymore.
3. Rebuild the Connection
My mom used to throw tantrums when I was not able to meet her expectation. Her words would cut me deeply to make me believe an actual flaw in myself. What she said to me was her choice, and my reaction was my choice. While someone says you’re a retarded, it doesn’t make you change to become a retarded. Never allow our emotions to carry away by our anger. Anger is meant you feel like you’ve no choice, helpless, and in the dead end. Set up a healthy boundary. It’s her story, not my story.
How to transform anger into forgiveness, respect, and courage? Try to find a quiet place and imagine my mom is right in front of me. Speak to her and tell her:
Mom, thank you for bringing me into this world
I understand my life is mine
I've got to love myself
I've got to live a meaningful life in my way
I've got to responsible for my needs
I'm no longer regard myself as a victim.
Your relationship with dad gives back to you.
I'll be here with you.
I can only use my way to support you.
I am not able to support you by fulfilling your expectations of me.
I've got my value system.
Whether you agree or disagree with my thinking,
I'm still me
I will listen to your opinion.
And I might not follow.
I would learn how to get along with you with a different opinion.
Mom, we are two different individuals.
I am responsible for my life.
I'll be happy from now on.
I promise I will plant my happiness to repay you.
Mom, I love you. I always love you, and I will love you forever.
Thank you, Mom.
Are you appealing to the idea that be true to who you are with an authentic character? Ever heard about the below two stories:
1. A Man And His Perfect Suit
A man got to the best tailor in town to make a suit for himself. He found out the structure of that suit was weird:
The shoulders were too narrow;
The sleeves were too short;
The length of the trousers was too short.
The man asked the tailor what happened to his suit. The tailor explained the structure of that suit was perfect. What the man needed to do was shrinking his shoulders and bend his ankles.
The man did shrink his shoulders and bent the ankle to go to work. He caught the attention of two beautiful girls who passed by.
Hey, you see, that suit is perfect. The color, texture, and cutting is so good.
Well, yes, the suit is perfect. I feel pity for that man. Is he a cripple?
2. The Dressing Style Of Einstein
Albert Einstein almost always liked to wear shabby clothes. One day, his friend told him to pay more attention to his appearance as he was a famous scientist.
Einstein replied that those people who knew him would understand this dressing style was so normal to him. For those people who didn’t know him, why should he need to care?
All in all, the bad news is you’re not going to fit-in the person you learn to be.
The good news is happy fabulous person never does.
I agree with the idea that just be me and everything to be okay. The dilemma that applies to the relationship with my mom is a bit tricky. If I insist on doing the right thing for me, but my mom opposes me to do. She’ll upset (play victim). I won’t be happy to derive from the feeling of self-blame to hurt my mom. If I appease her to do what she wants me to do out of obligation, I’ll not feel happy, either. How to deal with this dilemma? Please stay tuned to my next post.
What did the family meal look like during your childhood?
What does the family meal look like today?
What is the change?
What was your favorite meal at some point in your life?
Who was the chef of that meal? Why did that meal so impressive to you?
During my childhood time, the traditional family dinner meant to spend joyful time with the family. Dinner time of the day was to relax, recharge, laugh, tell stories, and catch up on the ups and downs among the family members. Laughing is the simple format for nourishment. My mom was a great chef. The meal seemed like a feast that welcomes all guests, carried no condition, any argument that happened among each other would settle over the table, and everyone got the pleasure to enjoy the food. What does the family meal look like today? As a working mom, I almost always in a hurry to go for fast and convenient cooking to feed the family's stomachs. Eating together, and never allow the TV and mobile device to rob the time for the conversation with the kids. The child might tell you someone was bullying him in school and felt upset. It would be great to get them to tell their thinking about what did they learn from the failure when they tried to solve an interesting problem.
Ever Wonder Children Don’t Need Snacks
The pandemic urges the children stuck at home. The parents might get crazy as the children non-stop playing and not able to stay quiet. It's not uncommon for the parent to prepare plenty of snacks such as chips, candies, and cookies. A child eats three meals per day is good enough. Adding the snack time at 10 am and 3 pm causes a sort of burden to the little body with excessive sugar consumption. Most snack is rich in sugar. Excessive sugar erodes the health of the child and increases the risk of many kinds of illness. How about we select to buy the sugar-free snack? A big word to mention sugar-free on the package is safe? Not really! The great sweetie-taste snacks are carbs, contained coloring, artificial flavoring, preservatives, and emulsifiers. Quality is more important than quantity. Children love the taste for sweets, almost always are junk food or drinks, that cause them overweight. Instead, Keep fruits in the house, and eat them as a snack. It’s easy, it’s cheap, it requires no preparation time, and it’s great for the children with physical benefits and emotional benefits as well.
Mommy Kitchen is Fun
Some kids are picky eaters. You can cut the food into small pieces, or cook the substitute, or tell them more information about the health benefits. Some moms would like to prepare the special meal box arranging the food in a creative, cute, and fun way to attract the children to eat. Both the moms and kids get so much fun upon preparing and eating the food.
Crack the codes
Food’s ready! What’s our breakfast today? I won’t tell the kids. Let’s them crack the code.
What game are you playing?
She is a bossy career woman and doesn’t choose her family.
The game she is playing: I play to win.
I Play to Win
She wants to conquer men, conquer the business, and conquer everything because she plays to win. She works 100% harder than others with a remarkable performance at work. When she takes the lead in the business battle to win the deal, she was so good to maneuver the tactics and strategy far better than what you can read in the war book. One of the frustrating things is that at the end of the day, she still needs a man. Is it better for her to understand this earlier or surrender earlier? The answer is yes, and no.
She didn’t mean to upset anyone. She stands for her point with confidence. In return, she expects her partner to agree with her idea and the support she had from him. She has no idea she did carry the bossy role at home when her husband asks her three questions:
She doesn’t need to win all the battles. By the time when her hubby challenges her on some point, any point, she launches an inquest. She asks him to tell her why he disagrees, and then she tries to catch him in an inconsistency. Her follow-up questions are like those used by a lawyer trying to get an unreliable witness to admit his faults. She almost always wins and gets a concession from her witness. Her husband has concluded it’s just not worth disagreeing with her, or it’s not even worth talking to her, since you never know when a topic will lead to a controversy. When she wins all the battles, but she loses the metaphorical war. She loses the opportunity to spend an enjoyable time with the one she loves.
The days are long. The years are short. What’s your real joy of being a mom? I like these motherhood quotes/words:
It’s not uncommon to see a child who likes to climb up the highest fence. What will he do next when he is not able to make it? He will climb again! As kids continue to grow, in addition to what they learn on their own, they got some conditioning from parents, teachers, peers, media, and so on. According to researches, 90% of who you are, was picked up before you’re ten years old. The children have no idea how many of their thoughts, feelings, and actions based on some form of fear and obligation. We, as a parent, take a critical role to shape the blueprint and ego-self of our children. Ever wonder the fear of our children derived from our fear. How can we help to foster their courage to overcome fear with confidence?
Fear of authority figures
Two kinds of parents the children fear most. They are the fierce parents, or the opposite extreme, indifferent parents. Children need love like the flower needs water. The parents matter most to them to be their whole world. They thirst for your full attention and affection to ensure you love them more than anyone else. How did my mom praise me? How did my mom blame me? Did my parent love me? Did they accept me? The narrative is that if I do what my mom tells me to do, cope with her expectation, stand by her side, then she will love me. They thirst for parent’s approval.
Children fear their parents don’t love them. When we can’t get our kids to do what we want them to do. We push harder, throw out tantrums, we shout. Children have tantrums. Adults should solve problems. Ever wonder your anger is demonstrating your fear after all? The fear that fuels a narrative of being unheard. The fear that you’re not good enough. The fear that this might be the last chance you get to make everything exactly perfect. Your frustration becomes complaints; grudges become insulting words; helplessness becomes sarcastic.
What can we do about this?
1. Lighten Up Your Expectation
Expectation turns to become pressure. Pressure turns to attract resistant force. We’re angry because our children don’t meet our expectations or they do the opposite of our expectations. It’s more useful to lighten up our expectations of our children for who they suppose to be, act and think like, to connect the love. When the children feel unconditional love from their parents, they will be ecstatic, not to affect by the critical words from others. It’s because when they encounter criticism from others, they would think it merely reflects a lack of knowledge about them rather than an actual flaw in them.
2. Courage To Be Disliked.
The child learns to be his/her own fan. Parental love is unconditional. Yet the children have to know that along the journey of their life, never expect there will be someone who has the responsibilities and needs that will love them like their parent. Thirsting to grasp the love from others (they may be partners, bosses, spouses, or friends) in their life to assert their self-worth is doom to a miserable life. Learn to be his/her own fan. Everyone is a combination of strengths and limitations. We help them to learn how to appreciate their strengths and accept their weakness. Always has the courage of self-reinforcement, a belief in themselves that is strong and unwavering. Rejection spells failure only if you do not believe in yourself. For those who believe in themselves, it is only a challenge.
What would you describe the mother ship?
What is your mom parenting style that you will not follow?
Linky: Motivate Me Monday
Journalist, digital marketer, self-help coach, entrepreneur, feminine optimistic style, pursuit of happiness, addict to coffee.