Women Blossom Blog
Women Blossom Blog
Parents were the first people that we knew and interacted with when we were born in this world. We inevitably used to cope with their expectations and were carried away by their emotions. Ever wonder our relationship with our parents would subconsciously affect our marital relationship and our relationship with our children.
While people said that be true to yourselves, it sounds no doubt for argument. The dilemma that applies to the relationship with my mom is a bit tricky. If I insist on doing the right thing for me, but my mom opposes me to do. She’ll upset (play victim). I won’t be happy to overwhelm with self-blame to hurt my mom. If I appease her to do what she wants me to do out of obligation, I won’t be happy, either.
How to deal with this dilemma? The key is communication. A relationship is about communication.
1. Beware of Body Language
During a heated argument with my mom, I felt angry was not about what she said. It was about how she said it, and vice versa. Our body language (tone, gesture, sound level) delivers our hidden message. So did the body language from others trigger our emotions. When I raise my voice to shout for carrying out my point, my mom felt like I was trying to challenge her motherhood authority with humiliation. When she was on the flame of anger, she would never listen but defense to prove I was the wrong one.
Aware of our body language that can hurt others. I have to remind myself not to respond immediately from anger. Pause a few seconds, manage my emotions before reacting. And then talk to my mom in a way to assert her positive intention. Try to settle her emotional feeling before giving feedback.
2. Identify the Hot Button
My mom is a perfectionist. I can’t understand why she regard the vase is not putting back to the exact original position after cleaning by other person is a big deal. She keeps focusing on the imperfect aspect made me feel annoying. Dealing with her drive me crazy to feel frustrating, annoying, and difficult. She is my mom, I love her. Enneagram helps me to understand her drive of behavior and change my perspective to deal with her. Our relationship improves.
I realize from enneagram that anger is her drive. She wants to be right, to be consistent with her ideals of standards beyond criticism. She wants to correct others striving for improvement. She is picky and not a difficult person.
What is the difference between picky and difficult?
Picky embrace consistent preferences and standards. Difficult people change their preferences frequently, and often in response to who is presenting to them or the mood they’re in.
My mom is picky with consistent preferences and standards. She doesn’t mean she has the intention to make me feel miserable by her motherhood authority. When she insists on her point what she disagrees with, I understand there will be no way to change her mind. I learn to avoid starting the argument with her and move to change the subject instead. By the way, there are many things where right or wrong are relative, perhaps merely based on perspective. I don’t feel so much angry with her pickiness anymore.
3. Rebuild the Connection
My mom used to throw tantrums when I was not able to meet her expectation. Her words would cut me deeply to make me believe an actual flaw in myself. What she said to me was her choice, and my reaction was my choice. While someone says you’re a retarded, it doesn’t make you change to become a retarded. Never allow our emotions to carry away by our anger. Anger is meant you feel like you’ve no choice, helpless, and in the dead end. Set up a healthy boundary. It’s her story, not my story.
How to transform anger into forgiveness, respect, and courage? Try to find a quiet place and imagine my mom is right in front of me. Speak to her and tell her:
Mom, thank you for bringing me into this world
I understand my life is mine
I've got to love myself
I've got to live a meaningful life in my way
I've got to responsible for my needs
I'm no longer regard myself as a victim.
Your relationship with dad gives back to you.
I'll be here with you.
I can only use my way to support you.
I am not able to support you by fulfilling your expectations of me.
I've got my value system.
Whether you agree or disagree with my thinking,
I'm still me
I will listen to your opinion.
And I might not follow.
I would learn how to get along with you with a different opinion.
Mom, we are two different individuals.
I am responsible for my life.
I'll be happy from now on.
I promise I will plant my happiness to repay you.
Mom, I love you. I always love you, and I will love you forever.
Thank you, Mom.
Are you appealing to the idea that be true to who you are with an authentic character? Ever heard about the below two stories:
1. A Man And His Perfect Suit
A man got to the best tailor in town to make a suit for himself. He found out the structure of that suit was weird:
The shoulders were too narrow;
The sleeves were too short;
The length of the trousers was too short.
The man asked the tailor what happened to his suit. The tailor explained the structure of that suit was perfect. What the man needed to do was shrinking his shoulders and bend his ankles.
The man did shrink his shoulders and bent the ankle to go to work. He caught the attention of two beautiful girls who passed by.
Hey, you see, that suit is perfect. The color, texture, and cutting is so good.
Well, yes, the suit is perfect. I feel pity for that man. Is he a cripple?
2. The Dressing Style Of Einstein
Albert Einstein almost always liked to wear shabby clothes. One day, his friend told him to pay more attention to his appearance as he was a famous scientist.
Einstein replied that those people who knew him would understand this dressing style was so normal to him. For those people who didn’t know him, why should he need to care?
All in all, the bad news is you’re not going to fit-in the person you learn to be.
The good news is happy fabulous person never does.
I agree with the idea that just be me and everything to be okay. The dilemma that applies to the relationship with my mom is a bit tricky. If I insist on doing the right thing for me, but my mom opposes me to do. She’ll upset (play victim). I won’t be happy to derive from the feeling of self-blame to hurt my mom. If I appease her to do what she wants me to do out of obligation, I’ll not feel happy, either. How to deal with this dilemma? Please stay tuned to my next post.
What did the family meal look like during your childhood?
What does the family meal look like today?
What is the change?
What was your favorite meal at some point in your life?
Who was the chef of that meal? Why did that meal so impressive to you?
During my childhood time, the traditional family dinner meant to spend joyful time with the family. Dinner time of the day was to relax, recharge, laugh, tell stories, and catch up on the ups and downs among the family members. Laughing is the simple format for nourishment. My mom was a great chef. The meal seemed like a feast that welcomes all guests, carried no condition, any argument that happened among each other would settle over the table, and everyone got the pleasure to enjoy the food. What does the family meal look like today? As a working mom, I almost always in a hurry to go for fast and convenient cooking to feed the family's stomachs. Eating together, and never allow the TV and mobile device to rob the time for the conversation with the kids. The child might tell you someone was bullying him in school and felt upset. It would be great to get them to tell their thinking about what did they learn from the failure when they tried to solve an interesting problem.
Ever Wonder Children Don’t Need Snacks
The pandemic urges the children stuck at home. The parents might get crazy as the children non-stop playing and not able to stay quiet. It's not uncommon for the parent to prepare plenty of snacks such as chips, candies, and cookies. A child eats three meals per day is good enough. Adding the snack time at 10 am and 3 pm causes a sort of burden to the little body with excessive sugar consumption. Most snack is rich in sugar. Excessive sugar erodes the health of the child and increases the risk of many kinds of illness. How about we select to buy the sugar-free snack? A big word to mention sugar-free on the package is safe? Not really! The great sweetie-taste snacks are carbs, contained coloring, artificial flavoring, preservatives, and emulsifiers. Quality is more important than quantity. Children love the taste for sweets, almost always are junk food or drinks, that cause them overweight. Instead, Keep fruits in the house, and eat them as a snack. It’s easy, it’s cheap, it requires no preparation time, and it’s great for the children with physical benefits and emotional benefits as well.
Mommy Kitchen is Fun
Some kids are picky eaters. You can cut the food into small pieces, or cook the substitute, or tell them more information about the health benefits. Some moms would like to prepare the special meal box arranging the food in a creative, cute, and fun way to attract the children to eat. Both the moms and kids get so much fun upon preparing and eating the food.
Crack the codes
Food’s ready! What’s our breakfast today? I won’t tell the kids. Let’s them crack the code.
What game are you playing?
She is a bossy career woman and doesn’t choose her family.
The game she is playing: I play to win.
I Play to Win
She wants to conquer men, conquer the business, and conquer everything because she plays to win. She works 100% harder than others with a remarkable performance at work. When she takes the lead in the business battle to win the deal, she was so good to maneuver the tactics and strategy far better than what you can read in the war book. One of the frustrating things is that at the end of the day, she still needs a man. Is it better for her to understand this earlier or surrender earlier? The answer is yes, and no.
She didn’t mean to upset anyone. She stands for her point with confidence. In return, she expects her partner to agree with her idea and the support she had from him. She has no idea she did carry the bossy role at home when her husband asks her three questions:
She doesn’t need to win all the battles. By the time when her hubby challenges her on some point, any point, she launches an inquest. She asks him to tell her why he disagrees, and then she tries to catch him in an inconsistency. Her follow-up questions are like those used by a lawyer trying to get an unreliable witness to admit his faults. She almost always wins and gets a concession from her witness. Her husband has concluded it’s just not worth disagreeing with her, or it’s not even worth talking to her, since you never know when a topic will lead to a controversy. When she wins all the battles, but she loses the metaphorical war. She loses the opportunity to spend an enjoyable time with the one she loves.
The days are long. The years are short. What’s your real joy of being a mom? I like these motherhood quotes/words:
It’s not uncommon to see a child who likes to climb up the highest fence. What will he do next when he is not able to make it? He will climb again! As kids continue to grow, in addition to what they learn on their own, they got some conditioning from parents, teachers, peers, media, and so on. According to researches, 90% of who you are, was picked up before you’re ten years old. The children have no idea how many of their thoughts, feelings, and actions based on some form of fear and obligation. We, as a parent, take a critical role to shape the blueprint and ego-self of our children. Ever wonder the fear of our children derived from our fear. How can we help to foster their courage to overcome fear with confidence?
Fear of authority figures
Two kinds of parents the children fear most. They are the fierce parents, or the opposite extreme, indifferent parents. Children need love like the flower needs water. The parents matter most to them to be their whole world. They thirst for your full attention and affection to ensure you love them more than anyone else. How did my mom praise me? How did my mom blame me? Did my parent love me? Did they accept me? The narrative is that if I do what my mom tells me to do, cope with her expectation, stand by her side, then she will love me. They thirst for parent’s approval.
Children fear their parents don’t love them. When we can’t get our kids to do what we want them to do. We push harder, throw out tantrums, we shout. Children have tantrums. Adults should solve problems. Ever wonder your anger is demonstrating your fear after all? The fear that fuels a narrative of being unheard. The fear that you’re not good enough. The fear that this might be the last chance you get to make everything exactly perfect. Your frustration becomes complaints; grudges become insulting words; helplessness becomes sarcastic.
What can we do about this?
1. Lighten Up Your Expectation
Expectation turns to become pressure. Pressure turns to attract resistant force. We’re angry because our children don’t meet our expectations or they do the opposite of our expectations. It’s more useful to lighten up our expectations of our children for who they suppose to be, act and think like, to connect the love. When the children feel unconditional love from their parents, they will be ecstatic, not to affect by the critical words from others. It’s because when they encounter criticism from others, they would think it merely reflects a lack of knowledge about them rather than an actual flaw in them.
2. Courage To Be Disliked.
The child learns to be his/her own fan. Parental love is unconditional. Yet the children have to know that along the journey of their life, never expect there will be someone who has the responsibilities and needs that will love them like their parent. Thirsting to grasp the love from others (they may be partners, bosses, spouses, or friends) in their life to assert their self-worth is doom to a miserable life. Learn to be his/her own fan. Everyone is a combination of strengths and limitations. We help them to learn how to appreciate their strengths and accept their weakness. Always has the courage of self-reinforcement, a belief in themselves that is strong and unwavering. Rejection spells failure only if you do not believe in yourself. For those who believe in themselves, it is only a challenge.
What would you describe the mother ship?
What is your mom parenting style that you will not follow?
Linky: Motivate Me Monday
A happy woman is so important to influence her husband and family. Ever did you hear about “happy wife, happy life”? A man feels good to see his wife is happy and regards that to be his credit and achievement. He would work even harder to contribute to the family. Same do the children love to see their mommy is happy. If mommy is unhappy, they might regard it as their false or because they’re not adorable.
How to make yourself happy? What would make you happy? What do you really want? Make a decision for what you would like to do that can make you happy. Write down your decision every day. Make a plan to do it.
My list is:
What is your list?
The motherhood journey is always rough around the edges. If it is a movie, you're a producer, a director, and a celebrity. What kind of story you're trying to make?
Supermom asks 100 questions:
1. What some other mom does, but you'll never do?
2. What are the words you use most when interacting with your child?
3. What animal can describe your child?
4. How does a stranger describe your child?
5. What makes your kid your kid?
6. What kind of adventure did you want to try with your family
7. What is the child devil and evangelist thing?
8. What makes you proud as a parent?
9. You like seeing your child __________
10. What drive you crazy?
11. What does your child do quietly?
12. What are the things that interest your child?
13. When the child meets new people, ___________.
14. What things scare your child?
15. Is there anything to tell you your child is smart?
16 What is the child devil and evangelist thing?
17. What is your culture genre and inheritance?
18. What sort of thing your child does not like?
19. Does your child make any new friends?
20. What are the ridiculous tech things to the kids?
21. What is a good piece of advice for parenting style? Tough, love, forgiving.......
22. What had you discovered the most effective parenting tricks?
23. What would you describe the mother ship?
24. What is the best piece of mom advice?
25. What are your favorite motherhood quotes?
26. Motherhood makes you vulnerable or stronger?
27. What is your change in parenting thinking?
28. What are the parent facts no one acknowledge?
29. What parenting advice you decline to believe?
30. What makes your child laugh?
31~100. Free download the file
Ever wonder what game are you playing:
Relationship Series: Fabulous Sexy Sweetheart
She is a fabulous sexy sweetheart. She pursuit of love and doesn’t want to get married. What game is she playing? The games she is playing are:
Impress Me Or Get Out Of My Sight
She won’t appreciate what she has but keep chasing after what she’s missing. There would be a time within the different development stages (puberty/sexual maturation stage) of a woman that someone would crush on you. At that time, you can show how brutal or capricious temper you are. One of the frustrating things is that there would be an expiry date!
I Know Everything
She can’t trust a man with her heart and soul. Trust is like a sword. I give it to you whether you will use it to hurt me or protect me. She tends to believe he will use it to hurt her. Her dad had an affair with a woman, and the parents were divorced when she was five years old. She implanted the belief carried from her childhood that men are irresponsible, unreliable, and like cheating. Is it true? Or does she need it to be true? If you decide that your belief is actually true, you owe it to yourselves to be clear about what would have happened for you to realize that it’s not.
Stay tuned for the upcoming post: Relationship: Bossy Career Woman
While many people like to order the takeaway cup in the Starbuck, or drink in a rush and go, I’m attracted to the romance of the coffee experience by sitting inside a comfortable coffee shop, to enjoy my favorite cup of coffee, sipping slowly, to enjoy each mouthful well. The soft light and the calm music make me feel relax. The beautiful lyric from the old song swirling around with the coffee aromas brings up a variety of good feelings. When my friends spend time on social media, networking, or searching for entertainment, I like to spend time on coffee.
Black coffee or Latte?
Let’s come together over coffee for a time of relaxation. People try to convince the world that water is boring, coffee is great. It works. What is good coffee? Good coffee is like a gorgeous woman (hot and has good taste 😊). Bad coffee is bitter, sour, burnt, and astringent. Good coffee is sweet, fruity, chocolaty, smooth, and light-bodied. Different people get different taste profiles over the combination of aromas, sweetness, floral, fruits, and nutty cocoa.
Whenever I feel tired, I’ll get an expresso. This tiny cup is strong enough to get me fueled all day long. We should avoid caffeine as it would dry out our skin, shouldn’t we? Well, yes, but coffee lovers don’t like decaffeinated. If you drink decaffeinated coffee, you are better to drink chocolate.
If you ask for a “latte” in Italy, you’ll most probably get a cup of cold milk. You should order “latte macchiato” which consists of hot milk add to the coffee. It sounds like coffee and milk are not necessarily friends to bind together. As a matter of personal taste, black coffee is my taste. But I like latte art. It’s cute. The cup of coffee looks so lovely by adding a little cat that is made by the milk foam, to see it floating and drowning in the liquid. I have learned to make the DIY Flat white with latte art. Make a latte at home without an espresso machine is not difficult. Pour fresh milk into a large bowl, stirring the milk with a whisk until it becomes foam. Add the foam into the espresso. That’s it.
Evil Partners: Sugar and Desserts?
Coffee is supposed to boost up energy. Why you feel more tired after drinking coffee? It’s because you add high sugar, partner with sweetie desserts. When the brain needs energy, it wants sugar that makes the blood sugar inflated. The insulin suppresses the high blood sugar, blood sugar deflated, hormone comes out to balance, and makes the body further stress and fermented. As a result, you will feel anxiety, stress, and fatigue.
But I like partnering dessert with coffee, anyway. A perfect match for coffee is partnering it with cookies, cheesecake, or blueberry cake. The taste of Kona coffee is strong when partnering with chocolate. On the other hand, the taste of Blue Mountain coffee is light so that when partnering with cake or sweet snack will cover the coffee taste. Italian coffee is great to drink after the full meal…All in all, sweetie desserts have high sugar that needs to avoid consuming too much.
Explore Coffee Culture
When I was traveling to other countries, I would like to experience their coffee culture. Have you ever captivated by the romance of the Italian coffee experience? I was attracted to try Italian coffee in Antico Caffe Greco. It was one of the best-known and oldest bar (opened in 1760) in Rome. Historical figures of artists, writers, and musicians including Stendhal, Goethe, Bertel Thorvaldsen, Mariano and so on have had coffee there. The fame of the café has attracted an influx of tourists that makes it always a bit too crowded.
The little cafés around Australia are impressive. They are brewing their coffee, fresh and local. Your favorite barista knows how to make your coffee just as you like it. When you're sitting down at a little café in Australia, order a cup of coffee, make your judgment for the taste difference.
All in all, what else of your coffee experience that can share with me?
You might also like to explore more about Simply lifestyle:
Journalist, digital marketer, self-help coach, entrepreneur, feminine optimistic style, pursuit of happiness, addict to coffee.