Women Wellness Spring Blog |
Women Wellness Spring Blog |
Dealing with Tragic Romanic Person (Enneagram 4)They may appear weak on the surface to get someone to protect them. They like crying, appearing vulnerable, and playing victim to look pathetic when you disagree with them. You don’t need to jump out as a rescuer. You may not know that tenacity is their core trait to withstand difficulties for chasing advancement to the next level.
(Back to the story of part 1. What if Vivian responds to Amy in the following way?) Vivian: You know what? That sushi restaurant is different. The owner Mr. Sato opened this restaurant to make sushi tailor made the flower shape each day to attract the attention of his lover. He uses the flavor of rose smell as his lover loves rose accent. The environment is romantic and I sure you will like it. You check and think about it and tell me tomorrow. Lesson to Learn for Four : Value the PresentJealousy for comparing with others is frustrating. Ever wonder it is ridiculous to find someone to embarrass yourself. Chasing is the core trait for Four. Very often, you will never know the value of the moment until it becomes a memory. The mountain has its height The sea has its depth The wind has its freedom The cloud has its tenderness How can you compare the mountain with the sea? Or compare the wind with the cloud? Not everything can make a comparison. Stop and smell the roses. Live only at this moment where everything takes place. Stay tuned for the upcoming post about the type five persona.
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(Continue from part 1) If you are a tragic romantic (Enneagram of 4), what is the emotional drive for acting the way you do? Worldview and drive The drive is jealousy. They have a lot of questions in their minds and want the answers. They are self-aware, sensitive, moody, and attached to emotional needs before attending to anything else. They want to maintain certain moods to create and pursue beauty surrounding themselves. Also, they used to express their individuality and withdraw to protect their self-image with a distinctive persona. They embrace intensive feelings and intuitions without rational explanation. But this makes them easier to connect with others with emotional attachment. Communication Tension What do they want to focus on others that provoke conflicts? As the drive is jealousy, they get used to chasing something they regard as beautifully romantic, something better, with tenacity. Unlike most people, there are many “why” in their minds who deliberately search for the answer. Why can't you keep your promise? Why do you suppose to work in this way and turn out to be another way? Why do you disagree with me? Why can’t you make the result like that? Four looks picky, ridiculous, and self-centered. Thus, they tend to drag down their mood to the level of sadness, like to make stories and ponder why people are shallow to understand their feelings. Stay tuned for the next post about how to deal with Four.
And if you are Four, what is the lesson for a breakthrough to reverse the repeated setback tendency? (Continue the communication series. Starting from here) Amy is a tragic romantic woman (type four of Enneagram). The Story: Amy and Vivian are close friends. Vivian: Where do you want to go for dinner? Amy: Let’s go to Jen restaurant. Vivian: Oh no! It is too far away. Driving there take 2 hours and almost always no parking is available. Amy: I find no other place that can match this place for eating steak. The origin is Italy of Jen family. The cows eat high-energy grass, the love of the Jen family, and all those natural wonders. I won’t go to another place to eat steak. Vivian: Then don’t eat steak. I know a place in downtown with great Sushi. Amy: I don’t want to eat anything tonight except steak. It is not only the steak. This restaurant is where I met John. Today is my birthday, and John is not with me. Vivian: Who is John? Your new boyfriend? Amy: We are together for two weeks. Vivian: Why is he not with you on your birthday? Amy: His wife is sick and needs him in hospital. Vivian: Are you kidding? Do you have an affair with a married man? Amy: We love each other and are happy together. Nothing is more important than that. Vivian: You have to stop this. Does his wife in the hospital relate to you? Amy: You don’t understand. I feel like this could work.. you know.. we’re a lot happier with each other than with anybody else. And then she burst into tears. Amy is hysterical to feel up and down out of nothing. She falls in love with a married guy. While most people would think it’s wrong to have an affair with a married man, she would probably ponder it doesn’t matter as long as they love each other. She is moody and affectionate. One day, she saw a white paper falling to the ground, and she burst into tears as this reminded her that her white cat had passed away. How does she act around someone she does not like? What is the core drive of her emotion? How does her emotion affect the way she treats others? What is her expectation of others? What is her expectation of herself? What is her worldview or core belief? What is the lesson for a breakthrough to reverse the repeated setback tendency? Stay tuned for the next post about the tragic romantic persona.
Ever wonder if there is a discrepancy between what we see of people on the outside and what they are experiencing on the inside? Relation with others is about communication. Communication can generate good or bad moods. By using an enneagram as a tool, observing the finding from my experience with the real stories, that help me to come up with the insights that work for me to build great relationships with others. How do you act around someone you do not like? What is the core drive of your emotion? How does your emotion affect the way you treat others? What is your expectation of others? What is your expectation of yourself? What is your worldview or core beliefs? What is the lesson for a breakthrough to reverse the repeated tendency? If you are a perfectionist (part 1 and part 2) If you are a giver (part 1 and part 2) If you are an achiever (part 1 and part 2) Let's explore more character types in the next post.
1. CommunicationThe kids spend so much time on web browsing, online games, and social media that it inhibits their ability to carry on a face-to-face conversation. Even worse, some kids get used to hiding behind the screen to intimidate others without any sense of responsibility. Everyone requires working with people. The school hasn’t taught the students how to clearly and effectively communicate with each other. Communication is a two-way interaction for telling and listening. Words carry weight. You can use the words carelessly to hurt, slander, and wound others, or use the words wisely to heal, encourage and love others. Change the perspective and then change the words. 2. MoneyIt’s not funny a child will struggle with money after he becomes an adult. However, the school rarely teaches the children financial education as if money is a scary evil thing. I like to ask the kid to make a graph to examine his financial habit. It is helpful to educate them about the money concept: earn, save, spend, share, and growth money. 3. TechnologyTechnology is not merely about online games, social media, web browsing, or Zoom meeting. Consuming less time to do more work is what technology supposes to do for us. How unlikely can the kid win over a computer for counting and memorizing? Technology is a foe if you allow it to hijack how you perceive your choices and replace them with new ones that don’t align with your needs. It is easy to lose track of the difference between what’s happening in the world becomes a manipulated menu of news feed stories. Ever wonder if we wake up in the morning and turn our phones to see a list of notifications, it frames the experience of waking up around a menu of all the things I’ve missed since yesterday. News feeds are designed on purpose to auto-refill with reasons to keep you scrolling and purposely eliminate any reason for you to pause, reconsider or leave. A large portion of traffic on these websites is driven by auto-playing the next thing for increasing “time spent” is the currency they compete for. They design their messaging system to interrupt recipients immediately. Never allow technology to ruin your attention spans and cause millions of unnecessary interruptions. 4. Food and HealthThe kids love snacks, chips, soft drinks, burgers, bacon, cakes, and biscuits. We are what we eat. No one in school teaches the kids about nutrition, trans fat, blood sugar, gluten, preservatives, coloring, artificial flavoring, or emulsifiers of any kind. It is not uncommon the kids are overweight. Food, recipes, and health benefits 5. CreativityThe world of a child is amazed at the discovery of new food, new games, new people, and a new environment. Every student learns to memorize the lines in the textbook instead of creating new ways to solve the problem. The schooling system teaches children to do what other people say so. They learn technical mechanics rather than creativity. It would be great if the student is a sculptor who questions endlessly for new ways to make his piece of art look perfect. Curiosity for the exciting adventure 6. Solve Interesting ProblemsSchooling tries to feed the kids with questions and programmed answers for higher scores, faster calculations, and competitive ranking. There is no time to understand because to understand means to lose. The students can answer the examination questions but can't apply the knowledge to the real world. When you ask them to create something, they can do nothing. It is more helpful to train the kids how to solve interesting problems in their daily life. 7. Self-loveThe kids thirst for attention and affection from parents, teachers, and peers to ensure their self-worth. How did my mom praise me? How did the teacher blame me? Did my classmates accept me? The children thirst for approval to assert their self-worth. Everyone is a combination of strengths and limitations. We, as parents, help them on the journey to take the responsibilities in which they excel and ask for help when they are struggling. We help them to build the courage of self-reinforcement with a belief in themselves that is strong and unwavering. No one needs to do groundbreaking things to live a meaningful life. Be your own fan. 8. ResilientHave you ever seen a child who tries to climb a high fence? If he can't make it, he will do it again! However, traditional schooling tries to tell the world is operating in the way of certainty by avoiding failure. In school, the kid knows what’s in the syllabus, and there is going to be a test; He knows that if he passes the test, he will surely go to the next upper grade. Who’s teaching the child what to do if a sure thing doesn’t happen? The kid learns in school to regard failure as stupid, losing, and wasting time. What if teaching the kid to be resilient with a mindset: It is difficult and a bit complex, you may encounter numerous failures, but you can handle it, and it is more likely to work. Be resilient to overcome obstacles. 9. Emotional Intelligence QuotientIt is not uncommon the children to get the behavior that when they desperately want a specific toy, their whole world revolves around getting this one toy, or they will feel like they lose their universe because they can't get it. They vent their emotion through yelling and crying until they get what they want. The kids have to learn that no one has the liability to treat them nicely. There are good guys and bad guys in any movie. So do the people who surround us are friends and bad guys. Those hateful guys can be our bosses or our co-workers. The school never teaches the kids how to handle their emotions when they encounter those guys who are ambitious, throwing tandem, or bullying. Three sentences to transform emotion 10. Ask QuestionsThe schooling system trains the kids to study the answers, not to find the reason behind them to presume all the answers are out there. The job is memorizing the answers, doing tests, taking the exams, getting the marks, moved on to the upper grade in certainty. Compliance is more important than asking questions. It is more helpful to teach the children to ask the right questions for exploration, fulfill curiosity, make discoveries, and always sake for change and progress. There are three people in the meeting room for the business meeting. Samuel is watching the clock. It’s 7 pm, one hour of overtime already. He is late back home to catch up on the birthday dinner of his son. Sam: Ada, I’m sorry! I have to go now. Ada: Sam, you know what? Our business is going through a hard time. How’s your sales status for this month? Sam: I did push the customer to confirm the order. Ada: You’re not pushing hard enough. Close the sales is the point. You can guess Ada decides to fire Sam. Ada turns to the product design engineer. Ada: Peter, you worked on this project for nearly a year. When can we launch this product? Peter: There are plenty of technical issues not yet fixed. Ada: No more delay! We don’t need to make everything perfect before launching the product. I need the product ready in next month. Ada is an achiever (type 2 of enneagram). Recap the character trait and worldview of an achiever in part 1. How to get along with the achiever?
If you are the achieverYou deeply immerse yourself in performing the role to be the person you learn to be, with a clear roadmap about the task and what to achieve for self-assertion. Until one day, you realize the discrepancy between your visible swagger and invisible pain. You put enormous effort in your whole life to be a champion. The point is to win. However, our life is not supposed to operate in a way that it is whether you win or lose. How unlikely you will win all the time. If you love yourself, you don’t need to make your self-assertion through the achievement of magnificent projects. Learn to lose instead of how to win. Two years before, Tom was an executive director at a large corporation. He enjoyed every privilege of being a high-position executive, such as traveling by private jet, perfect hospitality arrangements, and people rushing to serve him a ceramic cup of coffee. One day, he no longer held this high position, the authority had gone, and all the privileges disappeared. Even if he wanted a cup of coffee, he could only self-serve a coffee with a paper cup. Power, authority, and position are not static without change forever. If you love your true self (instead of love the role), you will be grateful no matter if others serve you the coffee with a ceramic cup or a paper cup. You are well aware that: You are not a title on a name card; You are not merely a role. You are an authentic being, no matter win or lose. Think about learning to lose When you realize there is nothing to lose anymore, you are free. Get out of the emotional jail of self-deception. When you communicate with others, add more respect and empathy. Less Me, More Us. Treat people with kindness and empathy. Respect for others no matter who they are. Team up to help each other. Empower others to achieve more than they think they can do Vs. Power over the other to help you to achieve your task. Stay tuned to the next post about the romantic type (enneagram #4) #1. What causes better and worse relationships with others
#2 The killer strategies to handle difficult people #3 Creative way to level up communication Perfectionist (part 1 and 2) Giver (part 1 and 2) Achiever (part 1 and 2) What is your perfect day all about?
My perfect day is included and not limited to: Sunshine, surrounded by natural wonders. Birds, flowers, green smell, Full English breakfast, walk a dog. Greeting with smiling faces, relax. Do the work I love, gossip with friends, laughing. Dinner with family, enjoy delicious food. Read a book, feel good with fulfillment. Have a good night's sleep. Today is a beautiful day! What does an achiever want to focus on others that provoke conflicts? How to release the communication tension? By using an enneagram as a tool, observing the finding from my experience with the real stories, that help me to come up with the insights that work for me to build great relationships with others. The Achiever (Enneagram / #3. The Achiever) The Character John is a sales manager, target-oriented, and he plays to win. Quality is not the point. He cares more about closing deals and meeting quota. David would complete all his homework on time, do all the studying, and perform very well in testing and examinations in school. He doesn’t need his mother or teacher to push him to study. He will figure out his schedule and determine to complete everything on schedule. Ada graduated from a famous university and climbed fast on the corporate ladder to become the director of a big company. She likes to dress smartly for work, is good at social skills, and knows how to catch the attention of the top management. The achiever is the shining star on the stage. They seek authority approval, enjoy the spotlight, and play to win. They combine the flavor of charming, practical, and supreme confidence. Worldview and the Drive They want to win. The drive is completing tasks and getting the work done. They want to be affirmed, to distinguish themselves from others, to have attention, and to be admired by others. There is that sense of playing their role as an inner worth through achievements. Positively speaking, they carry all the positive traits such as charming, ambitious, competent, and energetic that drive them to produce remarkable achievements. They are good at handling problems with positive ideas to speed up the work done. Communication Tension As they want to win, they tend to focus on removing the weak link. While you are running by the heel, they are running by the toes. They are working fast and impatiently. As winning is the point, they tend to appear selfish, practical, lacking compassion, empathy, or concern for others. Ada is an achiever who cares more about the company's benefit at the expense of the customer's benefits. Achieving the sales target is her task which supposes why she is here. She is an aggressive person to raise different conflicts with her colleagues. From her perspective point of view, other people are Not working hard enough Not fast enough Not smart enough Not good enough What will you feel if you work with her? Stay tuned to the upcoming part 2.
What does a giver want to focus on others that provoke disputes? How to release the communication tension? By using an enneagram as a tool, observing the finding from my experience with the real stories, that help me to come up with the insights that work for me to build great relationships with others. Let's recap the character traits and the story in part 1. How to get along with the giver? 1. Appreciate and praise their kindnessa) They need praise and compliments as much as you do. b) Your compliments need to be clear and specific. c) Praise for their kind intention instead of the actual work they had done. For instance, if your husband is a giver who helps you with the chores, you can praise him for his effort to share your burden rather than appreciate his cleaning work. 2. Need PermissionYou may feel the giver has disparaged your skill as if you can’t do it on your own. If so, say no to keep a healthy boundary by using the communication method of yes => no =>yes. Yes (appreciate the positive intention) No (tell your bottom line and speak nicely) Yes (make suggestion or promise). Recap the story: One day, Susan goes shopping and buys plenty of dresses and pants for the family. When Mandy (her daughter) returns home, she shows the dress that she buys for her. Mandy: OMG! The dress looks awful. You don’t know fashion. I like to buy the clothing by myself. Susan: I saw you wearing the same dress every day, never go shopping to buy new clothing. What I buy for you is the work of a well-known designer and is costly. You don’t appreciate your mom and are being so rude. OK, throw it away. Susan burst into tears. Mandy's response to her mom can be like this: (Yes) I’m so busy squeezing the time to buy my clothing, and you have bought one for me. Thank you, Mom! (No) However, I confess my taste is a bit ridiculous. That is the reason why I always wear the same dress. It's not easy to find an outfit that can match my taste and style. (Yes) I love shopping. Maybe next time we will go shopping together to buy the clothing. If you are a giver, No doubt you are kind and generous to care for others. At the same time, you are unaware you are playing the role of God, something like a mother loves her children at the expense of controlling them in every aspect of their life. You tend to believe that no one will know how to love others better than you do. Ever heard people say that: Your feeling becomes your thinking. Your thinking becomes your words. Your words become your action. Your actions become your result. And this will become your destiny. Once you change your perspective, you will change your feeling, thinking, and words. Change the perspective: humble vs. pride 1. Learn to be humbleThe givers are so generous. They are humble, aren’t they? Not really! They try to play the role of God in pride as if they know all the answers. Learning to be humble is avoiding being a rescuer by respecting others and yourself. Respect others Everyone is different and has the right to choose what they want, to realize that you would never know everything to decide for others. Being humble is to respect the choice of others because you will not know all the answers. Even if you want to help, please ask for permission. Respect yourself No one has the responsibility to care about you. In reality, most people are just thinking about themselves. If you care so much about whether others care for you, you will succumb to appeasing others. Remember that at the end of the day, almost nothing is belonged to you. Do your very best to make yourself happy. Be yourself. Respect yourself. 2. Healthy BoundariesWhat is a healthy boundary? When you find your friend is starving, you can ask him for dinner together. Your friend will feel cozy and warm via your caring attitude. And you don’t need to help him pay the home rent and buy him food daily. Supporter vs. Rescuer If you are a mom, you love your child. What will you do for your children: You do everything for the child by yourself (Mom A); or Allow the child to learn how to take responsibility for herself (Mom B). Mom A: The mom didn’t allow the child to wash dishes to prevent she broke the dishes up. The child never got a chance to participate in cooking because she feared the child would burn herself. When the child tried to wash his bag, her mom washed it for her as she worried the bag would not clean enough after washing. The child presumed that there was a lot of things she couldn’t handle by herself. Mom B: She taught her child how to wash the clothes to make it clean; How to wash the dishes to prevent breaking them; How to hold the hot food without burning herself. The child learned how to take responsibility for herself in her daily life. What does a giver want to focus on others that provoke conflicts? How to release the communication tension? By using an enneagram as a tool, observing the finding from my experience with the real stories, that help me to come up with the insights that work for me to build great relationships with others. The Giver (Enneagram / #2. The Giver) The Character Susan loves to do a lot of sweet things. She is good at making other people feel warm and cozy such as writing a touching note on the cupcake wrapper for her friends. Jenny remembers the birthday of her parents, friends, relatives, and even her neighbor. She would bake cookies and buy wonderful birthday presents to celebrate. Amy cooks more than enough food for the family as she will take the food for the homeless guys and the underprivileged children. They want to take care of the well-being of everybody around them, give their love to express their feelings, help others, and desire for others to respond to them in return. World view and drive They want to be needed The drive is love. They want others to like them, always advocating for love. No doubt they have big hearts decent in the human spirit. From their perspective, there is no reason to reject their love. They tell themselves: I love you so much that you should regard me as the important person in your world. You will cut them deeply if you don’t respond to their love. Expressing great love sounds pretty. Everyone would like someone to care for them with warmth and love. With no surprise, they can easily make friends with others and attract people to love and like them. Communication Tension As they want to be needed, they tend to focus on the insufficiency of others. They almost always regard themselves as rescuers to take over the responsibilities of others without asking permission, for the feeling of being superior to be needed. The Story One day, Susan goes shopping and buys plenty of dresses and pants for the family. When Mandy (her daughter) returns home, she shows the dress that she buys for her. Mandy: OMG! The dress looks awful. You don’t know fashion. I like to buy the clothing by myself. Susan: I saw you wearing the same dress every day, never go shopping to buy new clothing. What I buy for you is the work of a well-known designer and is costly. You are being so rude! OK, throw it away. She burst into tears. That dress isn't bad. Mandy doesn't mean to hurt her mom. She just doesn't like the outfit. No doubt the givers are kind and generous to care for others. At the same time, they are unaware they are playing the role of God, something like a mother loves her children at the expense of controlling them in every aspect of their life. They tend to believe that no one will know how to love you better than they do. How to communicate with the giver with a healthy boundary? If you are a giver, what is your particular lesson to learn? Stay tuned to the upcoming article for part 2 about the giver. This month series is about Communication. Start the journey in here.
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CatherineDigital marketer, writer, editor, feminine optimistic style, pursuit of happiness, addict to coffee. CategoriesArchives
February 2024
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